rock stardom
a lot of people have been coming up to me in the street and asking: “how do you cope with the pressures of being an international sex symbol and a rock god?” with this question in mind, i now present to you: stu’s easy guide to rock stardom
the first thing to remember about being a rock star is that the entire universe revolves around you. forget ptolemy, forget aristotle, forget copernicus, forget everything your high school science teachers ever taught you. you are a fixed, inert, immovable mass, located at the center of the universe, and all terrestrial and celestial bodies, including the earth, the sun and the fixed stars, revolve around you. now, with this one fundamental truth in mind, you are ready to head off to your first gig. notice how a path opens up in front of you. doors will swing open for you, traffic lights will change to green, the population in your general vicinity stops beathing so as not to interfere with your precious oxygen supply. you are a rock god.
now, upon arrival at your venue, the first thing you need to check out is the rider. this time honoured tradition involves providing rock stars like yourself with everything they will need to get through a harrowing evening’s work. it is important to remember to demand exotic and bizzare things on your rider. there are often competitions amongst rock stars (like myself) to see who can get the oddest things server up to them on a platter. don’t worry if you don’t actually want any of the items, just make sure they’re there, and make sure they are top quality. rock stars, like the pope, do not settle for second best. if it’s not good enough for the queen, it’s not good enough for you. if you find any item of your rider dissatisfactory, make sure the staff know about it. chuck a tantrum. hurl items of food, clothing, staff members etc. across the room. jump up and down. smash stuff. it’s all part of keeping your image alive. demand that replacement items are flown in from the most inconvenient possible location. a good blow-up will help to get you psyched up before you go on stage. now all you need to do is sit down, have a few beers, and wait.
when you come to take the stage, keep the audience waiting as long as possible. remember, you are not here to give them a show, they are here purely for your benefit. you own the audience. make sure you give them a piece of your mind, and tell them what you really think of them. swear words and rude gestures come in particularly useful here. make sure you don’t acknowledge any of the male fans, but grin lewdly at all the hot girls in the crowd (or vice versa if you’re a female rock star). you should by this stage of the evening be fairly inebriated, so feel free to have a bit of a rant to the crowd between songs. if anything is chucked at the stage you can either chuck it straight back (preferably knocking the thrower out), or chuck a hissy fit and refuse to play until the offender has been torn limb from limb by the crowd. ask for the pieces of the corpse to be brought up on stage, and then tie them to the back of your tour bus as warning to the next crowd you play to.
an important part of your stage show will be controlling the crowd. this should be done with as little effort as possible, usually by simply pointing the mic at them if you want them to sing, or by waving one arm to signal jumping up and down. as they are you crowd to do as you like with, you might want to mix it up a bit by making them do star jumps, push-ups, or any other forms of physical exertion you like. get them to shout out stupid stuff if you so desire. just make sure you get your thrills out of bossing around a huge amount of people.
after the show, the first thing you will need is a beer. being a rock star, you will not attempt to pay for this yourself, someone should already be handing you one as you walk off the stage. rock stars never pay. rock stars never queue up for anything. don’t even walk to the front of the queue. if something is crowded enough to require a queue, someone else should be doing it for you. at this stage, beer in hand, you will be mobbed by adoring fans. give any male fans a quick handshake, and then turn your attention to the female groupies. make sure you are chatting up as many of them at once as humanly possible, if not more. because you are a rock star, they will need to fight for your attention. preferably some kind of fighting that involves jelly. after chatting to them for a while, start hitting the scotch, and pass out in the band room, rock star style. wake up the next day and do it all again. bliss.
well, there you have it. you now know everything there is to know about being a rock star. one day, maybe you’ll be as famous as i am. i doubt it. if this does occur, remember that rock stars must always hate each other in the public eye. pull pranks. blow up tour buses. spike the other bands’ water bottles. but behind closed doors, remember, the only thing that matters is who can get an item of food from the most different countries on their rider. adios, and good luck.
October 27, 2003 9:32 am 5 Comments
Other Links to this Post
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Wince and Nod
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DFMoore: Your Daily Dose of Pizzazz!
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By nick
, October 29, 2003 @ 11:21 am
you really ARE a rock star. i wanna be like you stu!
By stu
, October 29, 2003 @ 12:02 pm
damn straight!
By dennis
, October 29, 2003 @ 1:59 pm
no i wanna be like him!