Beer and Sympathy » strolling

strolling

there’s a certain art in going for a stroll. strolls should only be attempted when you are being paid to do something that isn’t strolling. in other, non-paid situations you should always meander. in the rare event that you are actually paid to stroll (ie a stroll-a-thon, group strolling experiments, etc.) it’s probably worth your while to try and mix things up a bit by throwing in some unexpected manoeuvres such as a sidestep, skip, or even the odd barrel-roll. this will keep your employers interested and ensure that they won’t hire anyone else.

but i digress.

after recently returning from a particularly good stroll, i feel it is my duty to divulge some of the secrets of this ancient art. firstly, always remember that strolling is about the journey, not the destination. never attempt to go for a stroll with a final destination in mind. clear your head. take a deep breath. relax. right, now you’re ready for your first step.

now, the key to achieving a good strolling technique is the speed. there is no such thing as “too slow” as far as strolling is concerned. as long as you are making forward progress, you are doing fine. experts in remote parts of asia have practiced for years to be able to stroll so slowly that they’re basically not moving, but to a far off observer it looks like they are bustling along at full pelt. we will start off at a much simpler level. to achieve maximum effect, the stroller must look like they are moving quite quickly to the observer, or “strollee”. this is often achieved through arm movement, although more advanced strollers may accomplish the effect with other body movements. the correct arm movement is a laid back, full length swing in the direction of movement. the arms should be held out from the body, to give the strollee the sense that you are on a very important mission, and that nothing can obstruct you. it is also useful to add a small side-to-side swagger, to assure the strollee of your self-confidence.

with your arms now pumping back and forwards, the focus has been effectively removed from your actual progress. take very small steps, no more than a foot at a time. it is important that your arms cover about three times the distance that your feet do, because arm movement takes far less energy, but gives the illusion of high-speed movement. breathe in deeply. enjoy the fresh air. remember that you are being paid to sit in an office somewhere, staring at a computer screen, and you have now escaped to start up your new strolling hobby. the more relaxed you are, the less likely anyone is to question your activities.

my stroll today took me outside work and through the surrounding bushland. once you are free from the confines of your workplace, and unlikely to be spotted, you can modify your stroll. change your pace to suit your stroll. there are a lot of spots with good view of the valley around my work, so i went along a track and looked out at the river. taking a camera is probably a good idea, because then you can capture the experience. get a photo of yourself, with your work in the background (as far distant as possible). email it to all your co-workers, reminding them that while they were slaving away in the office, you were enjoying nature.

after about half an hour of solid strolling, i decided to head back to work. it was at this points that i discovered another member of the staff, who clearly had the same aim as i did, coming along the path towards me. now in this situation, it is important not to panic. in the rare event that the other staff member is doing work, you must continue on with your self-assured swagger, and never give the impression that you are in the wrong place. chances are, that they are simply enjoying a quiet stroll themselves, so just give them a simple greeting as you pass – a nod or quick “g’day” should suffice. then continue on as normal. easy.

now when you return to work, you may notice an interesting phenomenon. the closer you get to your actual desk, the slower your stroll will become. this can lead to disastrous consequences. if your starting strollocity is too low, then the decrease in speed will result in you becoming stranded some way from you destination, moving forward slower and slower until you’re effectively stopped. for this reason, it is important to always begin your return to work at a strollocity above the “critical speed”. this is difficult to calculate using conventional mathematics, but as a general rule of thumb, should be no slower than half a metre per second.

i recommend going for a one hour stroll at least once a week, preferably more. if you go at the same times every week, then your supervisors will assume that it is a standing appointment with someone, will not attempt to contact you in this time, or arrange any meetings. enjoy.

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