modern day courting
it struck me this morning that the rituals of courtship have changed quite a fair bit in the last hundred years or so, primarily due to the advent of one exciting device: the telephone. many people underestimate this magnificent device, but without it, we wouldn’t have emails, instant messaging, sms, or any number of the myriad of methods used to contact the opposite sex. pity the poor fool who is “mobilophonically challenged”. not only will they have to give out their home number to anyone they meet in the pub, but they will be forced to resort to using a “pen” to write down any numbers they receive. noone will be impressed by this.
note: from this point on i am using the male perspective to demonstrate modern day courting, but by switching around the adjectives you could easily apply this to the fairer sex.
to understand courting, it is best if we go back to the beginnings of courtship, back in the days before the telephone. [and remember, i learned everything i know about courtship in this period from watching pride & prejudice.] in these early times, it was the sole responsibility of the male to make all the moves. you would pick up a fine young woman at the local dance, discreetly inquire of her address, and then woo her with long-winded love letters and the like. then, if she didn’t have any more-attractive sisters, you would propose, get married, and then be allowed to start calling her by her first name. alas, nothing is so simple these days. the letters have been replaced by sms, and instead of writing flowing poetry, you need to pick up a copy of an sms dictionary just to understand what they are talking about. you will probably also need to invent your own abbreviations to impress the object of your affections.
now, one of the main precautions you need to take before attempting any courting is to ascertain the availability of the person in question. in the old days, this was quite simple – if the lady had a wedding ring on her finger, she was out of bounds. anyone else was fair go. in today’s liberal society however, the rules are a lot different. if she is with a large group of friends, then there is a good chance that she is single. beware of attempting to go after a girl who is sitting with a couple of friends and boyfriends, after all, her boyfriend has probably just gone to the bar to buy drinks, and any advances might leave you on the wrong end of a large maori’s fist. also watch out for girls sitting on their own – their boyfriend is probably in the band, and we all know what happens when rock stars get pissed off (and it can be a lot worse than getting beer poured in your guitar). no, the safest way is to approach with caution, be observant, and if all else fails, ask her friends first.
once you are sure that your young lady is single, there is one important thing you need to remember. i know it’s been said a thousand times, but here it is once again: all pickup lines had expiry dates in the late 60s. they don’t work any more. do not seriously attempt to pick up a girl using apick up line. of course, i’ve got nothing against doing it as a joke, e.g., asking the bar girl “so, do you come here often?”. and yes, if they’ve been living in a cardboard box for the last 20 years then maybe it might even raise a smile. anyway, back to the point. replace those cheesy old pickup lines with blatant innuendo in your conversation. then, when she picks up on what you’re doing, protest innocence. “oh, i wasn’t thinking like that at all…” that way it will be her who first starts off the flagrant sexual remarks.
this is all very well and good, i hear you say, but where’s the easy guide you promised me? well, my loyal readers, i’m afraid i lied. there is no easy guide. if you want my advice, you’ll give up right now. either that, or start learning guitar. chicks dig rock stars. actually, that’s a lie as well. if you want a sure-fire way of picking up girls, just become jamie oliver. hell, i want to be like him, so why shouldn’t you?
November 11, 2003 10:45 am 
By nick
, November 11, 2003 @ 11:38 am
that clown deserved every mL of beer poured into his guitar! no one messes with me.
i’ve got a better way of picking up…play trombone! hey. it worked for me. the ladies love it. not only is it long and strong, it also goes all night. just like me.
By popsie
, November 11, 2003 @ 1:50 pm
lucky i forced you to watch P&P or you’d have nothng to rant about.
That give me an idea…..Part 3 of my get skinny, sexy and tanned plan for summer is Learn to Play Bass in order to be in death metal band. thanks baby!
By kvack
, November 11, 2003 @ 3:10 pm
well, atleast you made an attempt at writing TFM.
By stu
, November 11, 2003 @ 3:22 pm
what the hell are you talking about joel?