Stern Report

One of the most important documents to be released this century has just been released, and I have the 27-page executive summary sitting on my desk. According to the parts I have read so far, adopting a business-as-usual (BAU) attitude to climate change (aka global warming) will result in a phenomenon I like to call the “fire age” commencing sometime during next century.

Basically, during the last ice age, the average temperature of the globe was 5 °C cooler than it is now. According to the Stern report, at BAU rates of emissions, there will be a 50% chance of global warming exceeding 5 °C next century. At this temperature the following will occur:

1. Ice caps melt, submerging trendy inner-city and north shore suburbs.
2. Sydney is transformed into a canal city, much like Venice.
3. The Venetians get really pissed off that they have lost their ubiquity, and decide to rectify the situation by unleashing a giant monster – half godzilla, half Susan Sarandon – on us unsuspecting Sydneysiders.
4. Australian PM and secret superhero finally reveals his true identity – as the Energizer rabbit. He challenges Saranzilla to a walk-a-thon, all around Australia. They get half way across the Nullabor Plain before the hole in the ozone layer sneaks up behind them and eats them both.
5. Meanwhile, across in Siberia, the climate starts warming up enough for them to get together a good cricket team. They get thrashed by the Australians in their first ever test, with 136-year old Glenn McGrath taking all 20 wickets and scoring his first test century. Youngster Michael Clarke (125 years old) also scores a century.
6. Eventually, the whole world is submerged in water, and small island cities are constructed. Mel Gibson rises from the dead to say “I told you so”.

Beware, polluters!

Brain Damage

In answer to your question Joel:

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path

The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me till I’m sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

Brain melting

Design due in three days…

Brain melting…

[cue slow descent into madness]

City of Angels

See you there.

Marsupialmusic.net Shakeup

In line with the new media ownership laws, marsupialmusic.net is proud to make the following announcement:

Marsupialmusic.net will be selling 75% of it’s shares to News Corp in order to free up some cash for future acquisitions. Please note that this will not affect the editorial content of marsupialmusic.net. Our editors are highly impartial and will not be affected by any change in ownership, now or never. We have always, and will always, stick by every policy decision made by our beloved government, led by the very able Mr Howard, and will continue to stick our tongues up the arses of conservative Australia wherever possible.

Thank you for your continued patronage during this time of great change. Media diversity is very important to us, and it is with this in mind that we are pleased to announce that all of our material will now be brought to you straight from the Fox News desk. All hail Mr Murdoch.

Islam is the new Communism

That’s it: I’m officially demoting us from the second most “white power” country in the universe to third place.

Lecturers and university staff across Britain are to be asked to spy on “Asian-looking” and Muslim students they suspect of involvement in Islamic extremism and supporting terrorist violence, the Guardian has learned.

They will be told to inform on students to special branch because the government believes campuses have become “fertile recruiting grounds” for extremists.

The Department for Education has drawn up a series of proposals which are to be sent to universities and other centres of higher education before the end of the year. The 18-page document acknowledges that universities will be anxious about passing information to special branch, for fear it amounts to “collaborating with the ‘secret police’”. It says there will be “concerns about police targeting certain sections of the student population (eg Muslims)”.

The document gives five real-life examples of extremism in universities. The first talks of suspicious computer use by “Asian” students, which was reported by library staff. In language some may balk at, it talks of students of “Asian appearance” being suspected extremists.

Wait a sec… this is starting to get me worried. Every time I go near the engineering library, there are literally tens of “Asian” students using computers! If we are to believe the increasingly believable Mr Blair and his population, they must all be terrorists. Shit! I can’t find my “dob in a darkie” fridge magnet.

Oh wait, here it is.

Stay alert, simians.

The new arms race

The main selling point, for me at least, of the online arm of the increasingly tabloidal SMH, is the opportunity to delve into the minds of “ordinary Austalia”. Well, the kind of “ordinary Australia” that likes to spend their valuable time arguing with other “ordinary Australians” in the comments section at the end of an SMH blog.

Anyway, came upon this little gem at the end of a vacuous blog about yesterday’s DPRK nuclear test.

We need Nukes of our own if we are to keep up with the Asian and Sub-Continental powers. With our stand against terrorism and our troops all over the world we need better close personal protection, that if needed can reach out as fast as the other Nuclear powers in our region. Its will also act as a deterrent.

* Posted by: Warren Hunt at October 10, 2006 04:45 PM

Thank you very much, Warren. You’ve hit the nail on the head, but I don’t think you quite followed your train of thought through to the commercial possibilities. Here’s my sales pitch.

How many times have you (and by you, I mean the rhetorical you, not Warren) been working late at uni, and had to walk through the back streets of Redfern to get to the train station at 11pm. Have you heard the stories about muggings, assaults, and other crimes against white folk perpetuated by those demons of darkness, the inhabitants of “The Block”?

What you need is close personal protection. The kind of close personal protection that can only be provided by a miniature tactical thermonuclear device.

Throw out those knuckle-dusters, nunchucks, and cans of mace. Here at pers-O-nuke, we have the complete solution to all your safety needs. The PocketRocket™ is a fully functional 5kT nuclear device, capable of self propulsion for ranges of up to 500m. Its slimline design looks great next to your iPod, and the whole unit weighs just 5.6 kilograms.

The detonation trigger has three handy modes – timed, remote, or manual – so you’ll never have to fumble around with messy access codes again. The device also comes with inbuilt Bluetooth support, so it can be activated with your mobile phone or other Bluetooth-enabled device! Plus, the PocketRocket™ is now available in three stylish colours – black, gun-metal grey, or our new pastel pink for the more colour-coordinated amongst us.

Never be afraid to leave the house at night again! Get PocketRocket™ today!

Rooftop shots

Went for a journey up the Grosvenor Place building today. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera, but my trusty Nokia 3x-something was there to capture the action.

E-tags

If you drive backwards through the toll plazas, do they add money into your account?

Happy happy fun nukes

The nuclear test is a historic event that brought happiness to our military and people

Are you hearing this, Mr Howard? In order to make the population of Australia happier, all we need to do is let off a nuke or two. What are you waiting for? Get testing!