Stern Report
One of the most important documents to be released this century has just been released, and I have the 27-page executive summary sitting on my desk. According to the parts I have read so far, adopting a business-as-usual (BAU) attitude to climate change (aka global warming) will result in a phenomenon I like to call the “fire age” commencing sometime during next century.
Basically, during the last ice age, the average temperature of the globe was 5 °C cooler than it is now. According to the Stern report, at BAU rates of emissions, there will be a 50% chance of global warming exceeding 5 °C next century. At this temperature the following will occur:
- Ice caps melt, submerging trendy inner-city and north shore suburbs.
- Sydney is transformed into a canal city, much like Venice.
- The Venetians get really pissed off that they have lost their ubiquity, and decide to rectify the situation by unleashing a giant monster – half godzilla, half Susan Sarandon – on us unsuspecting Sydneysiders.
- Australian PM and secret superhero finally reveals his true identity – as the Energizer rabbit. He challenges Saranzilla to a walk-a-thon, all around Australia. They get half way across the Nullabor Plain before the hole in the ozone layer sneaks up behind them and eats them both.
- Meanwhile, across in Siberia, the climate starts warming up enough for them to get together a good cricket team. They get thrashed by the Australians in their first ever test, with 136-year old Glenn McGrath taking all 20 wickets and scoring his first test century. Youngster Michael Clarke (125 years old) also scores a century.
- Eventually, the whole world is submerged in water, and small island cities are constructed. Mel Gibson rises from the dead to say “I told you so”.
Beware, polluters!
October 31, 2006 2:33 pm 
By foster the imposter
, November 1, 2006 @ 7:27 am
you should incorporate this into your book with wombat! with of course a giant supercomputer named J03L that runs on turbo diesel and chides people for using petrol/ethanol!!
pure literary genius!
leave out susan sarandon though, she might be too scary for the kids
By Joel
, November 4, 2006 @ 2:06 pm
why don’t we just drop giant ice cubes into the ocean ala Matt Groening’s cameo cartoon in al gore’s inconvenient truth?