The old question, “Is it possible that someone can write, without knowing how to read?” has finally been answered.
Miranda Devine has long been a source of some massively high-quality, well-researched and completely unbiased articles, but she’s really taken the cake with this one. Her rabid drivellings make it very clear that not only has she not seen An Inconvenient Truth, but she also hasn’t seen the episode of South Park which was paying out our good friend Al Gore. This, however, doesn’t stop her from using the popular cartoon as the entire basis for her argument that global warming is still a hoax. Anyone who has made the massive step from denying the possibility of global warming to admitting that maybe we’re in some kind of natural climate cycle, but we don’t really need to worry about it because cycles come and go, will see just how clear and reasonable Miranda’s arguments are, and they will now be able to sleep easier at night knowing that they won’t be forced to sell their four-wheel-drives any time in the near future.
The divine Miranda then goes on to trash the Stern report. Even if she did try and read this 700-page opus, I strongly doubt that she would get past the first paragraph, containing such difficult words as “evidence”, “analysis” and “science”. There is some good news for Miranda and her followers: Sir Nicholas Stern had the good sense to include an executive summary of the executive summary for those of us whose idea of a good read include all the great authors from Dan Browne to Dan Browne. At a whopping 4 pages, even the erstwhile SMH columnist should be able to absorb some of the information. If even this is too hard, I have prepared my own executive summary of the executive summary of the executive summary.
Earth get hot bad.
Humans keep make gases, humans start lose big money, farms no grow food, big cities go bye bye under much water.
Humans stop make gases, make Chief Stern happy man.
I know it’s slightly above your reading level Miranda, but maybe one of the senior editors at the SMH can pull his tongue out of Middle Australia’s arse for long enough to read it out to you.
Miranda’s article didn’t stop there though. Done with global warming, she then went off to solve all of our water problems. I’m not even going to comment on her suggestion: “build dams”, but instead I shall focus on the real solution to the water crisis, alluded to in amongst the saliva that preceded her mind-busting answer. I refer to the following passage:
In fact, it is the failure of government to provide adequate water infrastructure for an expanding population that has led to Sydney’s water shortage, even as torrents of rain regularly cascade into the ocean.
Scandalous! What was the government thinking when they allowed all this water to go to waste, falling in the ocean, which is (last time I checked) already full of water?
Now, Miranda, you have set me thinking. How can we harvest this valuable water? Since my weather control machine is not yet fully operational, we can’t simply blow the rain over to Warragamba. However, I believe that I have come up with the next best solution, and you Miranda will be the star of the show! Since you are so passionate about water conservation, I assume that you’ll be more than willing to help.
- Build a small, motorised aquatic soap-box
- Strap our hero of the moment, Ms Devine, onto the soap-box
- When rain is spotted over the pacific, send the soap-box out to a position east of the clouds.
- Give Miranda a topic on which she knows absolutely nothing (which won’t be hard, seeing as though she’ll be spending the rest of her life in the soap-box), and allow her to start typing. The soap-box will be equipped with a massive voice-box which will broadcast Miranda’s point of view at maximum volume.
- The hot air generated by Miranda will rise, changing the wind patterns and causing the clouds to move west, towards the mainland.
- Chase the clouds with the soap-box, driving them all the way to the blue mountains and into the catchment area.
Of course, we might need to build a few canals to give Miranda the maximum coverage, so she can get those clouds right over our dams. But other than that, the plan is flawless!
All hail the great Miranda Devine, save of Sydney’s water supplies. Soccer mums will be allowed to hose down their gas-guzzlers without fear of repercussions from those pesky water rangers. Miranda will be the hero of Mosman!
Rudd for PM?
Politics | stu | 
November 28, 2006 9:28 am | 
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