Attention smokers

I have one thing to say to all the smokers out there: quit your whinging. You have it easy.

As a smoker, you can have a cigarette as soon as you wake up. You can have one while waiting for the bus or driving to work.

You can take smokos at work, then have 2 ciggies at lunch. After a tough day, you can pull a ciggie out of your back pocket and light up.

Run out of fags late at night? Just head down to the servo and buy another pack. No cash? Just bum one off a friendly passer-by.

Sure, you’ve got the anti-smoking lobby to deal with, but they’re pansies. You can tell this because they don’t smoke.

Just for one day, try being in the shoes of a drinker.

Don’t try and pretend for one minute that if I have 2 beers before work, one at morning tea, 2 at lunch, and then tell my boss at 3pm that I’m ducking out for a quickie, I won’t get fired.

Plus, the cops don’t look kindly on people cruising home with a VB in hand. Cigarette yes, refreshing lager no. Where’s the justice?

It is illegal to sell take-away booze after midnight. Where’s the sense behind that? I’m thirsty, I’m out of beer, but I can’t head down to the bottle shop to buy a case. Servos aren’t even allowed to sell beer. This, in itself, is a criminal denial of drinking rights.

I can’t carry my beer around with me. Firstly, it is too bulky. Also, it will go warm. Finally, people will give me funny looks if I keep one behind my ear.

Even if I did possess a cold one, I couldn’t just sit on the steps of the town hall and crack it open. Our streets are rife with draconian anti-alcohol laws. Boo to that, I say.

Even on weekends, I can’t just get out of beer and crack open a beer without people making smart-arsed comments about my alcoholism.

The other thing that annoys me is that not only do you smokers get your fix in flammable, conviently wrapped form, but you can also purchase your drug of choice in chewable, conviently wrapped form, or even a stick-on variety that soaks the nicotine into your skin. Where’s my alco-gum, or vodkarette patches? This, my friends, is a product that is crying out to be sold.

In conclusion, somebody bring me a beer!

Slashdot stories

Three interesting stories today on Slashdot.

Firstly, MySpace will offer a program for parents to track thir kids’ profiles.

Parents who install the monitoring software on their home computers would be able to find out what name, age and location their children are using to represent themselves on MySpace. The software doesn’t enable parents to read their child’s e-mail or see the child’s profile page and children would be alerted that their information was being shared. The program would continue to send updates about changes in the child’s name, age and location, even when the child logs on from other computers.

The only suprise here is that Rupert Murdoch waited for 18 months before selling out his users (after all, my scientific research shows that 93% of MySpace users are under 13). Will this spell the end for the popular site? I say yes.

Secondly, political bloggers in the grand old US of A could soon be forced to register their details with the Ministry of Truth, or face a gaol sentence.

Section 220 of S. 1, the lobbying reform bill currently before the Senate, would require grassroots causes, even bloggers, who communicate to 500 or more members of the public on policy matters, to register and report quarterly to Congress the same as the big K Street lobbyists. Section 220
would amend existing lobbying reporting law by creating the most expansive intrusion on First Amendment rights ever. For the first time in history, critics of Congress will need to register and report with Congress itself.

The bill would require reporting of ‘paid efforts to stimulate grassroots lobbying,’ but defines ‘paid’ merely as communications to 500 or more members of the public, with no other qualifiers.

On January 9, the Senate passed Amendment 7 to S. 1, to create criminal penalties, including up to one year in jail, if someone ‘knowingly and willingly fails to file or report.’

Scary stuff. Hopefully this time Mr Howard won’t feel the need to follow the lead of his closest ally.

And finally, my favourite story, again from the US (hey, as far as I can tell, 97% of the internet population live there, so it’s hard to escape). The US Navy Surface Warfare Center has successfully fired an 8 MJ rail gun!

For those of you who don’t know what a rail gun is, here’s a demonstration from my favourite actor of all time.

These things are good. The next step is to develop a 64 megajoule version, capable of firing over 460 km. The projectiles actually leave the atmosphere at maximum trajectory, reaching an altitude of over 150 km. Reagan’s Star Wars system lives on!

Whirly Background Thing

Apparently it’s really easy to create cool whirly fractal backgrounds with the GIMP. So I tried it out.

Cue denigrating comments from Joel…

The Hon. (Carl) Patrick Carl SCULLY, BA, LLB(Hons) MP

Name: Mr Carl Scully, MP
Party: ALP
Electorate: Smithfield
Margin: 28%

Now that the former minister for (in chronological order) Small Business and Regional Development, Public Works and Services, Roads, Transport, Housing, Police and Utilities has resigned, there’s a free ride available in Smithfield, one of the safest Labor seats in the universe. Who will get the green light from Sussex St? Carl has put his 2 cents behind Ninos Khoshaba, Fairfield councillor, but what NSW really needs is a celebrity.

Step in Sam Moran, aka the new Yellow Wiggle! With the success of Peter Garrett as member for Kingsford-Smith, I think we need more musicians in politics. And, as state government is just a ramshackle imitation of the federal system, who better than an up-and-coming Wiggle to brighten up the halls of Macquarie Street?

Reverend the Hon. (Fred) Frederick John NILE, ED LTh MLC

That’s right, our favourite christian conservative is up for re-election!

Name: The Reverend Fred Nile, MLC
Party: Christian Democratic Party (Fred Nile Group)
Order elected: 21/21

Freddie-boy was elected dead last in 1999, but 169,418 people liked him more than the Marijuana Smoker’s Rights party. During my 8,601 days of existence, Fred has been in parliament for 8,550 of them, the only gap being a brief (and thankfully unsuccessful) tilt at being elected to federal parliament.

Let’s take a quick excerpt of his maiden speech:

Also I wish to thank all those supporters who worked and prayed that I might be elected to the Parliament. Those supporters were from all churches and included non-church goers, known in the Bible as people of good will. These people included also decent members of all political parties of New South Wales. A sincere expression of thanksgiving to God was also held to give credit where credit is due. The service in the Sydney Town Hall was not intended to reflect on any other member of this House or the other place who may or may not share in those same beliefs.

And also his campaign slogan:

The Lord God of Hosts said, I want to see a mighty flood of justice, a torrent of doing good.

And more from his maiden speech:

Secular humanism which is the humane face of atheism has made serious inroads in our State, as I shall seek to show. This has led to a fundamental struggle between absolute values and relative values, between the Judeo-Christian ethic and the humanist ethic, between compassion and greed, and between spiritual values and materialism. That struggle is occurring in every area of our society—our schools, streets, prisons, welfare organizations, the media, universities, and even, dare I say, within political parties. I believe sincerely in the separation of church and state. But I do not accept the separation of faith and state. No nation can live or survive for very long in a spiritual and moral vacuum.

Anyone not sure where this guy is coming from? Good. Now let’s take a look at his policies.

On Wednesday the second of March, 1994, Fred presented a petition “praying that because of the public health risk associated with the homosexual and lesbian mardi gras parades, and their offensive and blasphemous nature, the House will take all steps necessary to prevent such future parades through the streets of Sydney”.

And, the rest of his 26-year career has basically been one long string of anti-gay, anti-abortion and anti-quated rants.

It is ridiculous. A handful of individuals are using the Act to gag free speech, even humour ..albeit poor, in New South Wales. What’s the big deal? If people feel entitled to make a joke about Baptists, Catholics, the Pope, Irish people, Jesus and God… why can’t they make a joke about homosexuals?

I particularly like this random piece of inspiration:

It seems that these people do not know that Lenin is dead, that socialism is dead, that communism is dead and even the KGB is dead.

The cold war is over, Fred, and so (hopefully) is your taxpayer-funded gravy train ride.

Hold Your Wee for a Wii

Nintendo’s latest marketing strategy has been dealt its first blow, thanks to a contest on a Californian radio program.

A woman who competed in a radio station’s contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication, the coroner’s office said Saturday.

Following the tragedy, the radio station had to rethink its other promotions – “Snort for Sony”, where contestants had to see how much cocaine they could inhale with one snort, and “The X-Box challenge”, where contestants had to go 360 days without oxygen to win a new X-Box 360.

SoBar – Cremorne

Welcome back to my cutting pub review section for 2007.

Last Friday night I was privileged enough to attend the event of a lifetime – the grand opening of, as the advertisments call it, a “lower north sure thing”. Having survived two of the worst puns in the history of advertising, I ventured down the airport departure-type entrance to the bar.

Free drinks and canapes were on the cards, but unfortunately the only drinks on offer were some crappy new post-mix vodka crap marketed at the 13-16 year old market, as well as a piss-weak Mexican drink with a piece of fruit crammed in the bottle. Canapes were nowhere to be seen, but the Mosmanites were out in spades. Young lawyers and accountants mingled with 17-year-old private school girls, trying to impress each other under the table despite the noticable absence of any platters of cucumber sandwiches. The only part of the bar with enough room left to swing a cat was the dance floor, but luckily the DJ seemed to be oblivious to the fact that noone liked the music he was playing, and so a constant low throbbing drowned out the endless penis size comparisons emanating from every corner of the bar.

Out the back, we discovered a feature even cooler than the entrance – the exit! Decked out to look like the set of Star Wars, the fire exit was handily cordoned off with police tape, and a young lady was dancing in a hard hat. I am still wondering what this was supposed to signify.

So, in conclusion, if you live in Mosman, went to a private school, and think that BMWs are really cool, click here for my rating. Everyone else, click here.

Angela D’Amore, MP

We are now 71 days out from a show down between two of the most useless parties in the history of politics. In the right-hand corner, we have Iemma’s mob, currently holding 54 of the 93 seats in the legislative assembly. In the other corner, we have Brogden Arnie Debnam’s rabble, with a whopping 18 seats. But who are these people?

In order to shed some light on this mystery, I shall now embark on one of the biggest projects in NSW journalistic history – to find out the stories behind the people who control the highest per capita collection of poker machines in the world.

Since I have just moved to Haberfield, and I have no idea who my local MP is, I decided that I’d better start with her. A quick Wikipedia search revealed her name: Angela D’Amore.

Name: Ms Angela D’Amore, MP
Party: ALP
Electorate: Drummoyne
Margin: 9%

Holy crap! A fiery redhead! And I thought that Johnny Brogden was the most attractive person in state politics!

Anyway, after my initial shock at discovering this photo, I thought I’d settle in for some real old-fashioned research, the Google way.

The lovely Ms D’Amore grew up on a factory floor surrounded by other migrant children. She joined the ALP at 21, and in the finest traditions of the party, became a militant unionist. She was elected in 2003, and has done bugger all since.

Oh, and I think that photo is fake, because in all her media shots, she’s quite ugly.

Hopefully next time I will choose a slightly more interesting pollie to study.

P-plate politicking

You’ll have to bear with me for a little while – I’m currently in the process of changing over to new software (damn you Movable Type!), and so things might be a little slow around here.

Now, we all know about the new P-plate laws being introduced to NSW. Let’s start with the 3-month suspension for speeding.

Under the old system, P-platers could be caught speeding once, and cop 3 demerit points. After that, any further infringement would result in a suspension. Under the new system, the suspension applied after any speeding offence.

Now imagine that, under the old system, a cop on the way home from the donut shop notices a P-plater driving at, say, 8km/h over the limit. The cop books him, he loses 3 points, and he has the chance to drive carefully for the rest of his year on P-plates.

Now, imagine the same situation under the new system. Also, imagine that the cop is either a) in an incredibly lenient mood; b) tired of filling out paperwork; or c) high. Chances are, this cop will let the P-plater off the speeding offence, knowing that the poor kid will lose his licence if he gets fined. Don’t say it won’t happen – I’ve been let off driving an unregistered, uninsured vehicle before (which would have attracted two fines of $1100 each).

So what have we learned?

1. Old system – P-plater gets caught less than 30km/h over the limit, he loses his first and only chance. P-plater gets caught more than 30 km/h over the limit, he loses his licence just like anyone else.
2. New system – P-plater gets caught less than (say) 15 km/h over the limit, he has a good chance of being let off by a nice, lazy, or drug-influenced cop. P-plater gets caught going more than 15 km/h over the limit, he’s probably not gonna get let off and loses his licence.

Wouldn’t it have been a lot simpler to increase the number of demerit points for 15-30 km/h over the limit from 3 to 4 for all drivers? That way, P-platers get one chance if they stay less than 15 km/h over the limit, otherwise, as Eddie McGuire would say, they’re boned.

The other retarded change to the laws is the passenger restrictions between 11pm and 5am. Now, as far as I can tell, one of the main times for P-platers to drive is socially. Imagine that Johnny wanted to go to a movie with his girlfriend Shazza. His mum lets him borrow the car, as long as he picks up his younger sister Shirley from an underage binge-drinking-fest at her friend Patrick’s place.

Under the old laws, Johnny and Shazza go and see the 9:30 session of Friday the Thirteenth, Part XXVII, then head off to the party to pick up Shirley. While there, they run into Patrick’s hot older sister, Mandy, and duck upstairs for some hot threesome action. Afterwards, Johnny is free to drop his girlfriend and his sister home, before heading down to the beach to buy some pot from a school friend.

Now, under the new laws, Johnny would not be able to comply with his mum’s sister-picking-up requirements. He would therefore have to catch the bus to meet Shazza at the movies. Because the bus is 10 minutes late, a young homie named Gia chats up Shazza in the foyer of Hoyts. When Johnny arrives, they mug him, steal his money, and head off to Gia’s place to smoke some crack. Johnny gets no movie, no threesome and no marijuana. He does, however, cop a splitting headache for his troubles.

Now, this simple situation clearly explains why the new rules are idiotic, but here are some dot points to emphasise what will be the result of passenger restrictions.

• More P-platers on the road at night – teenagers have to go out, so there will simply be twice as many cars on the road. This in turn causes:
• More greenhouse emissions, as there are more cars on the road. Twice as many cars on the road also means:
• Twice as many accidents. With half the number of people in each car, this equates to:
• Exactly the same number of P-plate deaths on the road, however, since there have been twice as many crashes, we need to repair/replace twice as many cars, resulting in:
• More greenhouse emissions. Plus, with less people in each car, P-plate drivers are now vunerable to:
• Car-jackings! No longer can innocent young teens use the safety of pack numbers to avoid being wrenched out of daddy’s BMW by a passing smack addict.

I think I’ll stop there before this gets out of hand. Anyway, it is quite clear that this whole issue was generated entirely by Naomi Robson with her incessant reporting of P-plate accidents. Now that she has quit Today Tonight, why bother going through with policy changes? If the government was really serious about reducing the road toll, they’d ban all cars. It is the only solution that guarantees 100% road safety. you know I’m right.