Joining the bandwagon

Alright, after months of ignoring the upcoming US elections, I have decided to add my drivel to the collective political blogging pool, so I guess it’s time to pick a side.

For the past few months I have been concerned that the departure of George W. will hurt my website’s popularity, as the party faithful decide to ditch my beloved quote generator. However, John Sidney III has resolved this issue by selecting a VP candidate who is arguably worse at public speaking than the master himself.

If McCain/Palin get in, I can say hello to four more years of massive traffic! Of course, this generator is still in the early stages, so feel free to send me an email with anything that comes out of her mouth that you would like included. Add the generator to your website with this code:

<script type=”text/javascript” language=”javascript” src=”http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/palin-script.php”></script>

Or, add it to your Google home page:

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman for the initial stock of quotes, and thanks as ever to Pascal Hakim for fortune. My Sarah Palin fortune module is freely available here if you are interested.

Finally, I would like to plug the greatest piece of political satire in living memory.

US election Centrebet analysis

Avid followers of this self-indulgent isochronal may recall that my Centrebet analysis accurately predicted the result of last year’s federal election – give or take a seat in NSW and Victoria, and 2 in Queensland (bloody banana benders) and WA.

Let us therefore apply the same analysis to the upcoming US presidential elections.

So there we have it; the Dems to take 30 states (including Washington D.C.), and the GOP to take the remaining 21. If we translate that into actual electoral college votes (apportioning Maine and Nebraska 2-2 and 2-3 respectively), then Obama storms home with a whopping 375 votes to 163!

The closest race will be in Indiana, with the Democrats at $1.70. Centrebet has Obama at $1.07 to be the next president, however by my calculations he needs to win all the states that are at $1.11 or better to get the required 270 votes.

Of course, Centrebet is an Australian company, and so the options don’t stop at who is going to win the election. Here is my personal favourite option, which I will be putting five bucks on.

George W. Bush; a tribute

Just 85 days remain in the second and final term of the 43rd president of the US of A. Love him or hate him, you have to admit it has been an interesting ride. Let us review.

When it comes to polls, Mr Bush has broken all the records. First of all, he knocked his pa off the highest approval rating, with a whopping 92% shortly after the world trade centre fireworks. He then went off to knock Truman off the lowest approval rating ladder, with a measley 19% during the Iraqi insurgency.

Bush also went on to break the record for higest disapproval rating, clocking in at 76% when the economy collapsed around him and Americans finally realised that they all would have been much better off if he had stuck to the golf course for the past 8 years.

As you know, I am a big fan of graphs, so let’s see one.

The 9/11 attacks delivered Bush the biggest poll boost in the history of the universe, and in two short years, he had squandered it all. Was it his total lack of charisma, his mind-numbing lack of public speaking ability, his crass nationalism or his haircut that made the rest of the world hate him? None of the above.

Attention to detail is the problem here. If you’re going to be the most powerful man in the world, you should know the difference between Australia and Austria; between APEC and OPEC. Can you imagine this guy in bed with his wife?

That was fantastic, Lauren. Lisa. Laura. Whatever.

(Yes, I do take pleasure in give people mental images of a post-coital Bush).

To conclude, let us all have a long hard think about what “democratic capitalism” has done to America. Is this really the socio-political system that we want to press forward with? Maybe once all of our parliaments are underwater, we will find the will to change.

Some headlines we’ll never see

Bush commits US$700b to emergency environment rescue package

K-Rudd flies to New York for emergency environment summit with G20 leaders

Economic rescue on hold while major polluters reduce emissions

Man from the Central Coast scores an IQ above 85

An Euler diagram

Is this really that difficult to understand?

Economy ∈ Environment.

Sanity

I have plotted my sanity over time for a typical work week. Is it coincidence that I did this during a mid-morning sanity trough?

The piscine messiah

Sink your teeth into this tasty story!

A virgin shark from Virginia has given birth to a pup. No sign as yet of three wise sharks on their way to present the mother with gifts, however I’m predicting that it won’t be long before the baby is healing the sick and turning water into wine. The interesting part will be if he tries to feed the masses with just five loaves of bread and two humans.

The whole concept of asexual reproduction in an animal as complicated as a shark is quite fascinating. We should be very worried; imagine if scientists managed to discover the trigger for parthenogensis and apply it to human females. The entire male species could become obsolete!

Oh wait, but then there would be noone to open all those tricky jam jars. We’re safe for now, boys.

Punter

Every three years, we are presented with the chance to cast a meaningless vote for a chump who will mismanage our country for the next little while. We could all do without this pointless exercise.

And yet, when we really need the right man for the job, he is appointed by a faceless committee, with no public consultation process! Usually, they get it right, but when they don’t, the results can be disastrous.

The following people were better captains than Ricky Ponting:

• DW Gregory
• WL Murdoch
• TP Horan
• HH Massie
• JM Blackham
• HJH Scott
• PS McDonnell
• G Giffen
• GHS Trott
• J Darling
• H Trumble
• MA Noble
• C Hill
• SE Gregory
• WW Armstrong
• HL Collins
• W Bardsley
• J Ryder
• WM Woodfull
• VY Richardson
• DG Bradman
• WA Brown
• AL Hassett
• AR Morris
• IWG Johnson
• RR Lindwall
• ID Craig
• R Benaud
• RN Harvey
• RB Simpson
• BC Booth
• WM Lawry
• BN Jarman
• IM Chappell
• GS Chappell
• GN Yallop
• KJ Hughes
• AR Border
• MA Taylor
• SR Waugh
• AC Gilchrist

Hyperbole? Never!

ABC’s The World Today ran a story about the asteroid that burned up over Sudan yesterday. It featured the inimitable Professor Paul Francis complaining about the Howard government cutting the funding to his astronomy hobby:

Well we’ve probably got lucky. We probably got lucky in the sense that we didn’t search and nothing hit us since.

But if in two years a city gets destroyed by a southern asteroid, then the government’s decision will look pretty stupid. But we may have got lucky.

Now, as much as I would love for my taxpaying dollars to be spent propping up this old fossil in his ivory tower in Canberra, I have a disturbing statistic to reveal.

Number of cities destroyed by asteroid (beginning of civilisation -> present): ZERO

You’ll forgive me if I try my luck a little longer, Professor Humdinger.

No Way S.R.A.

It’s good to see that, four years on, and after numerous scandals, RailCorp has finally been boned. Not that I’m celebrating because I believe that our public transport might be fixed – we do still have the ALP in power after all. No, it’s just nice to know that a whole new generation of kids will be able to appreciate The Last Hemeroids’ classic track “No Way S.R.A.”

Rock on.