Shark attack

There has been a lot of hoo-ha in the media lately regarding the recent spike in shark attacks. Is it due to global warming? Or perhaps K-Rudd is to blame?

In order to clear up the confusion, I have conducted some in-depth research, which reveals some surprising results, graphed below.

Good news, humans: we’re still on top! Let’s all go back to our corners and calm down.

Australian test side

After losing the most exciting home test series for a long time, Australia needs to have a good look at their lineup if we are to beat South Africa in the return tour. With the help of Statsguru v2.0, I have come up with the following list of players who deserve to keep their place in the team.

Batsmen:

• MJ Clarke – 383 runs @ 76.6. Brilliant.
• SM Katich – 297 runs @ 49.5. Not at his best, but still the second best of the summer.
• RT Ponting – 285 runs @ 47.5. Shit captain, still a great batsman.
• BJ Haddin – 228 runs @ 45.6. His place isn’t really in question anyway.

These guys were the only batsmen who outperformed Mitchell Johnson, who had an average of 23.4 before this summer. Everyone else should be dropped.

Bowlers:

• MJ Johnson – 17 wickets @ 25.88. With Johnson in the team, the selectors can stop farting around looking for an all-rounder, and we can pick five strike bowlers instead. His spell of 5/2 in Perth was incredible. I love him; I wanna boof him; get him up here.
• PM Siddle – 13 wickets @ 27.38. A decent showing. I think he has solved the problem of trying to find a fourth bowler.

Obviously Lee underperformed in this series, but he did look good, and I think he suffered from not having Stuart Clark at the other end. Andrew McDonald did alright, and I think he would be good as a replacement for when Clark is injured with his consistent line and length.

So if Clark and Lee are both back from injury, we need to grab a fifth bowler and two more batsman for the first test in Jo’burg. Hussey will keep his place, but I think Hayden will go. The jury is still out on his replacement.

The 2009 broadsheet letter writing challenge

I regret to announce that Joel W. Courtney stormed to victory in last year’s competition, squeezing out Nicholas Broadbent by 120 points, with Sue Brian running a close third.

Here are the rules for the third annual broadsheet letter writing challenge:

1. Items published in a broadsheet newspaper receive one point per word.
2. If you have two items published in the same paper on the same day, you receive a 2x multiplier. Three items receives a 3x multiplier and so on.
3. You receive 0.5 points per word in any response to your item (your name must be specifically mentioned).
4. You cannot enter if your name is Sandra K. Eckersley from Marrickville.
5. To claim points, you need to blockquote your published contribution into the comments section of this page. You should also stick it on your fridge door as proof that you didn’t just make the whole thing up.
6. New rule (“diminishing returns”): your second item published in the same section of a paper will only receive 90% of the points, then 80% for the third, and 70% for the fourth and subsequent articles. Diversify, people!

Leaderboard

Joel Courtney, Haberfield: 77 points
Phillip Brian, Newtown: 74 points

Coming up this year…

Well, I hope that all you mammalian readers had a great 2008. It certainly was an eventful one for me.

Here is a preview of this year’s major stories on marsupialmusic.net:

Inane banter: the space-filling idle commentary about uninteresting fringe issues will continue to dominate during 2009. Could this be the most tugid year ever?

K-Rudd: we will continue to follow K-Rudd’s major policy failures and rampant committee-forming fetish. Towards the end of the year, we break an exclusive story revealing the true nature of Big Kev. Man or Machine? Stay tuned to find out.

USA: I will be presenting a unique journey through the mid-west to soak up as much US culture as humanly possible, during April and May. Huntin’ and fishin’ awaits.

Stilts and Houseboats: as politicians continue to procrastinate over how much sea levels have to rise before they agree that there is a problem, I will be launching a new site to equip you with all the advice and equipment needed to get through the water-logged future.

Socceroos: there will be big celebrations as we qualify for our second consecutive World Cup. There will be even more celebrations when we are drawn in the same group as Italy. Time for revenge!

I’ll see you there!