The aftermath

Ricky Ponting has won the mantle of worst ever captain, by losing the ashes a second time. Here’s my assessment of what we need to do now.

• Keep Clarke and North.With 446 runs at 64 and 367 runs at 52 respectively including two centuries each, they were easily the best batsmen in the team.
• Strip Ponting of the captaincy. Give it to North. Give it to Clarke. Transplant SK Warne’s brain into Hilfenhaus and give it to him, I don’t care. Just let Ponting focus on what he does best: scoring runs.
• Put Watson on notice. His batting was fine for an all-rounder, but why are we selecting an all-rounder if we’re not going to bowl him? Of the part timers North, Clarke and even Katich all performed better. Watson either needs to bowl more and take wickets, or start scoring centuries.
• Keep Haddin. I don’t think we have a better alternative.
• Drop Katich and Hussey. Ignoring their one decent innings each, their averages were 31 and 22 respectively.
• Bring Hughes back. We need to develop an opening batsman, and he’s the man. He’ll fix the short ball problem this summer, and if he doesn’t we can just drop him next year. Give the man a chance.
• Bowling becomes tricky. No one took more than 6 wickets in a match. Only Hilfenhaus had an average under 30, but his best innings was 4/60. Our attack needs work. I think that, with everyone fully fit, the best lineup would be Clark, Lee, Johnson and Hilfenhaus. Hauritz is a hack. If one of those four is injured, I would bring in Nathan Bracken.

That’s it for the team. The following people should also be given the boot for their role in our defeat:

• Andrew Hilditch
• David Boon
• Merv Hughes
• Jamie Cox
• Tim Nielsen
• Liz Ellis
• Kevin Rudd

Furthermore, I propose a referendum to alter the constitution at the next election:

Should Australia lose a test cricket series to England, the Governor General shall immediately dismiss the Government and force an election.

The priest and the policeman

This disturbing piece of news could easily have had a much more hilarious outcome.

Police charge selves with internet grooming

Over the last month, detectives pretending to be a 13-year-old girl on an internet chat site have been talking a 54-year-old priest from Liverpool.

Police say he was sexually explicit during the correspondence, and they arranged to meet the priest for the purpose of sexual activity.

However, in a bizarre twist, it turned out that the “priest” was actually a 13-year-old girl, posing as an old man.

Upon arriving at the rendezvous, police realised their mistake, and were forced place themselves under arrest. They charged themselves with using the internet to groom a person under 16 years of age.

The detectives will face Parramatta Local Court today.

Republic of Ireland 0 – 3 Australia

An absolute cracker of a goal from David Carney sealed off a nice win over the world #37 overnight. Our next game on the 5th of September should be interesting – an away match against Korea Republic. Hopefully Pim can get some of the A-League blokes on board to give them a bit of experience.

Another 16 teams were in action overnight in world cup qualifying. With Honduras and Costa Rica playing right now, not a lot has really happened overnight. With Norway’s thumping of Scotland it looks like the second place group 9 UEFA team is going to miss out on the playoffs. Mexico beat the USA which puts them back in a solid position, while Trinidad and Tobago kept their hopes of a second consecutive world cup alive with a win over El Salvador.

All eyes now on the 5th, 6th and 9th of September, when 75 matches should see a few teams cementing world cup slots. England is the only team likely to qualify during this time, but Brazil can sneak in as well with a couple of wins.

Update: Honduras smashed Costa Rica 4-0! CONCACAF is looking interesting, with just 3 points separating the top 4. T&T are now pretty much done, and it’s going to be a scuffle to avoid a playoff with South America. The pressure’s back on Mexico, with must-win games against Honduras and Costa Rica next month.

Andrew Hilditch must go

Dear Andrew,

I have compiled some statistics, for your edification and education. I provide these free of charge so you don’t have to go through the rigmarole of having to actually watch any cricket.

At the moment, the only person who needs dropping from the ranks of Australian cricket is AMJ Hilditch.

Regards &c.,

Making money in the GFC

The last 12 months have been tough. Especially for certain multinationals who rely on a lot of people getting sick to make a buck. During uncertain economic times, it pays to turn up to work, and all of a sudden the population stays healthier than normal. What to do?

Imagine that you could get some of your boffins to develop a new strain of some common virus. Something highly infectious, but not too virulent (it would be immoral to kill too many people). You could introduce it to some out-of-the-way location (say, Mexico) so that you wouldn’t be traced. Then, because it’s not actually a very dangerous virus, you whip up a little media frenzy by contacting a friend (say, R. Murdoch* Rupert M.) who also wants to make a bit more money.

Because it’s a slow news month, the hype surrounding your new virus spreads around the world quicker that the actual ‘flu. Governments start panicking, installing heat sensors at airports, and gearing up for pandemic mode.

Luckily, you have already developed a drug that will prevent and treat your new virus. Gullible health ministers start to order millions of doses of your cure.

Step 3: profit.

Sounds far fetched? Think I should be breaking out the tinfoil hat? Or do you recall a history of dodgy practises in this industry?

I’ll be reserving my judgement on this one for now.

* Name changed to protect confidentiality