Joining the bandwagon

Alright, after months of ignoring the upcoming US elections, I have decided to add my drivel to the collective political blogging pool, so I guess it’s time to pick a side.

For the past few months I have been concerned that the departure of George W. will hurt my website’s popularity, as the party faithful decide to ditch my beloved quote generator. However, John Sidney III has resolved this issue by selecting a VP candidate who is arguably worse at public speaking than the master himself.

If McCain/Palin get in, I can say hello to four more years of massive traffic! Of course, this generator is still in the early stages, so feel free to send me an email with anything that comes out of her mouth that you would like included. Add the generator to your website with this code:

<script type=”text/javascript” language=”javascript” src=”http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/palin-script.php”></script>

Or, add it to your Google home page:

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman for the initial stock of quotes, and thanks as ever to Pascal Hakim for fortune. My Sarah Palin fortune module is freely available here if you are interested.

Finally, I would like to plug the greatest piece of political satire in living memory.

Delicious blaspemy

Conservapedia

A conservative encyclopedia you can trust is how Conservapedia bills itself.

I’d say more like a barrel of laughs.

The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy devotes chapters seven, nine, ten, eleven, fourteen, sixteen, seventeen, nineteen, twenty-one to eighty-four inclusive, and in fact most of the rest of the Guide, to sex. Conservapedia doesn’t even have an entry.

Browse through the Islam, Big Bang, and Kangaroo entries for a small insight into the minds of fundamentalist American christians.

Here’s an hilariously inaccurate snippet from the atheism page:

Popularly-known Atheists include Stephen Hawking, Albert Einstein, Stephen J. Gould, Carl Sagan, Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris.

Albert Einstein, the greatest physicist of all time, turned his back on the theories of Bohr, Heisenberg and Born, theories which were founded in Einstein’s own work. Why? Because these theories implied that chance plays a role in subatomic interactions. His famous quote?

God does not play dice with the universe.

Atheist? I’d say no.

Likewise Stephen Hawking - an excerpt from his best-seller “A Brief History of Time”:

However, if we discover a complete theory, it should in time be understandable in broad principle by everyone, not just a few scientists. Then we shall all, philosophers, scientists, and just ordinary people, be able to take part in the discussion of the question why it is that we and the universe exist. If we find the answer to that, it would be the ultimate triumph of human reason— for then we would know the mind of God.

Unfortunately, the second half of the article (the bit panning atheism) had been edited recently, to point out that atheists don’t actually go around killing indiscriminately because they’re not subject to the sixth commandment.

Anyway, for some cheap amusement, head on over.

Soccer Mum Arrested

A mother swore at police and accused them of being pedophiles before she was handcuffed in front of hysterical children for double parking outside a Queensland school, a court has been told.

…

Sergeant Carmont told the court Ms Green refused to provide her details despite being asked up to 14 times and became aggressive after police approached her BMW.

Bet you $100 it’s a four wheel drive.

“She said ‘I know all you f—ing c’s are corrupt, haven’t you got anything f—ing better to do, you should be out arresting murderers and not harassing mothers’,” he quoted Green as saying.

“The only reason you hang around schools is because you’re a f—ing pedophile c–t.”

Better make that $200. Charming woman.

Foamy -The Fat Song

Apparently this will only be up for two weeks (I dunno when those 2 weeks started), so hurry over quickly to Ill Will Press and check out The Fat Song. Hilarious.

I’ve saved it on to my computer in case they take it down and someone really wants to see it. Send me an email.

Cyanide & Happiness - Animated

It had to happen eventually I guess. The first animated flash comic from explosm.net is out. And, well, it kind of sucks. None of their usual quirky humour, just dumb, predictable violence. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe they’ll put some jokes in the next one or something.

Cyanide & Happiness - Animated

It had to happen eventually I guess. The first animated flash comic from explosm.net is out. And, well, it kind of sucks. None of their usual quirky humour, just dumb, predictable violence. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe they’ll put some jokes in the next one or something.

Menage A Trois

Help support a good cause.

Hate Mail

The hate mail has started to flow in this weekend. There are a few great threats/insults in there.

Yout stupid go play in traffic.

Yeah. Yout stupid too. The abbreviation of “you are” is “you’re”, not “your”, and definitely not “yout”.

Well i do work at maccas
good for you

Ah, what’s your point here? I should be the one saying “good for you”.

Neck yourself.

Hmmm… Neck: v. intr. Informal - To kiss and caress amorously.

I tried doing this, and didn’t succeed. Nor did I cause myself any injury, public embarrasment or harm myself in any other way. I fail to see how this is good ammunition in the good old fashioned war of words.

Anyway, my point today is that people who work at McDonalds, go home and look up “employees maccas” on Google, find an obviously facetious blog from over 2 years ago, take offence, and then message a friend to back them up, need to get a life.

Also, if you did your research, you would know that of all my posts mentioning maccas, 25% were negative, 25% positive, and the rest neutral. I will hunt you down and throw pickles at you. If anyone wants to help me in my quest, look for a Mel and a Megz in a McDonalds store somewhere around the Ryde/Homebush area.

Tony’s Toilet Triangulator

A friend pointed me to The National Public Toilet Map this morning. At first I thought it was a joke. Then I saw the TLD - gov.au, and I remembered: our government doesn’t have a sense of humour. Then I looked closer at the site. Maybe someone there does have a sense of humour. After a quick look, I spotted the Department of Health and Ageing logo in the top left.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. The Hon. Tony Abbott is the minister of Public Toilets! It all makes so much sense, the perfect minister for the perfect job. Here is a graphical re-enactment of the minister hard at work.

Here are some of my favourite bits from the site.

Use our Trip Planner to identify toilet stops for a journey. They should also include a digestion calculator so you’ll know exactly when you’ll need to stop. “If you eat Maccas for lunch, expect to stop within the next 150km to regurgitate your meal”.

Register for My Toilet Map to save your trips, favourite destinations and public toilets. Favourite public toilets??? My Toilet Map??? I don’t even know where to start with this one.

Find options include opening hours, toilet features and access features. Public toilets have opening hours? I didn’t know they were that exclusive. I love the “features” comment. “Complete with 2 luxurious troughs, 3 sinks (1 working), and a standard type F crapper. Perfect for the on-the-go family.”

Subscribe to our newsletter… Yeah. Welcome to “Tony’s Toilet Time”, for all your defecatory needs. It’ll go nicely alongside my other regular emails: “The Viagra Report” and “Cheap Mortgages Monthly”.

Oh, and did I mention that this is all part of the National Continence Management Strategy?