63 years and counting

The 6th of August has passed by yet again, and still the world’s leaders line their troops up on either sides of the fence to toss rocks at each other.

It seems quite clear that the human condition leads to two contradictory sets of relationships - that of the individual, and that of the group. When cultures clash on a group level, the result is inevitably distrust, dislike, hatred and war. When cultures clash on an individual level, more often than not the result is an exchange of ideas and values, and a resulting increase in knowledge for both parties.

How do we move from the individual to the mob mentality? Is it simply that mobs are formed by the rotten element of society? I do not think so. Throughout history well-meaning people have been lead into battle by their leaders, their views temporarily altered by subtle propaganda and a misguided sense of nationalism.

I do not know the answer to this question. Until governments start to act responsibly on an individual level, we are doomed to centuries of bloodshed.

The new arms race

The main selling point, for me at least, of the online arm of the increasingly tabloidal SMH, is the opportunity to delve into the minds of “ordinary Austalia”. Well, the kind of “ordinary Australia” that likes to spend their valuable time arguing with other “ordinary Australians” in the comments section at the end of an SMH blog.

Anyway, came upon this little gem at the end of a vacuous blog about yesterday’s DPRK nuclear test.

We need Nukes of our own if we are to keep up with the Asian and Sub-Continental powers. With our stand against terrorism and our troops all over the world we need better close personal protection, that if needed can reach out as fast as the other Nuclear powers in our region. Its will also act as a deterrent.

* Posted by: Warren Hunt at October 10, 2006 04:45 PM

Thank you very much, Warren. You’ve hit the nail on the head, but I don’t think you quite followed your train of thought through to the commercial possibilities. Here’s my sales pitch.

How many times have you (and by you, I mean the rhetorical you, not Warren) been working late at uni, and had to walk through the back streets of Redfern to get to the train station at 11pm. Have you heard the stories about muggings, assaults, and other crimes against white folk perpetuated by those demons of darkness, the inhabitants of “The Block”?

What you need is close personal protection. The kind of close personal protection that can only be provided by a miniature tactical thermonuclear device.

Throw out those knuckle-dusters, nunchucks, and cans of mace. Here at pers-O-nuke, we have the complete solution to all your safety needs. The PocketRocket™ is a fully functional 5kT nuclear device, capable of self propulsion for ranges of up to 500m. Its slimline design looks great next to your iPod, and the whole unit weighs just 5.6 kilograms.

The detonation trigger has three handy modes - timed, remote, or manual - so you’ll never have to fumble around with messy access codes again. The device also comes with inbuilt Bluetooth support, so it can be activated with your mobile phone or other Bluetooth-enabled device! Plus, the PocketRocket™ is now available in three stylish colours - black, gun-metal grey, or our new pastel pink for the more colour-coordinated amongst us.

Never be afraid to leave the house at night again! Get PocketRocket™ today!

Happy happy fun nukes

The nuclear test is a historic event that brought happiness to our military and people

Are you hearing this, Mr Howard? In order to make the population of Australia happier, all we need to do is let off a nuke or two. What are you waiting for? Get testing!

Downer Steps Up

Big words were exchanged today between The Hon. Alexander John Gosse Downer and His Excellency Mr Chon Jae Hong, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. Once the introductions were complete however, Big Al was reported to have asked the commies nicely to withdraw their threat of nuclear tests.

Oh, come on Chonny…
We’ll be your friends…

…

Unless you get into more arguments with Georgie, that is…

Seriously though, what does Downer think he’s trying to pull? If Bill Hayden were still foreign minister, he’d be over in North Korea in a flash, grabbing Kim Jong-Il by the scruff of the neck and shaking him until all the nukes fell out of his pockets.

Anyhow, I bet ten bucks that the first test doesn’t work. Or, if it does, there will be a 24-hour uproar before the world goes back to watching Bush’s Middle-East antics on Fox News.

North Korea Missile Tests

Chairman Kim Jong-il fired up to six missiles into the Sea of Japan this morning. Early media beatups are claiming that the missiles are capable of reaching Australia, however my research indicates that their range is only around 4000kms. Google Earth has come in useful yet again with its ruler function, and by my measurements it’s around about 6000 kms from Kim’s place to the top of Oz, so we’re safe for the minute.

Also, the long range test apparently failed, with the missile burning out after less than a minute. It would take six minutes of propulsion for the missile to reach its full 4000 km range.

Anyway, we can now look forward to a lot of jumping up and down from the US, Australia and Japan, and some pressure on China to step in. There will be talk of sanctions, the UN security council will be involved, and then it will all fizzle out. We can probably expect a second round of tests later in the year, followed by a second round of outrage.

Meanwhile, Greenpeace will get all outraged by the unprovoked attack on the Sea of Japan, and will try to strap themselves to the next lot of missiles. The Sea of Japan will decide that it is time to pack up and leave, and come down to the South Pacific, leaving the Japanese in a food crisis caused by lack of fish. Fish prices at our local markets will drop dramatically, and Australians will get 30% smarter because of all the Omega 3 fatty acids we’ll be consuming.

The increased intelligence of Australians will lead to a decline in the memberships of right-wing religious organisations, and these church group will be forced to head to North Korea to try and get Kim to wipe out the Sea of Japan once and for all. By then, Kim will have other things on his mind, as a secret US operation culminates in his appearance on the special “Heads of State” edition of Big Brother, alongside Queen Liz, George W., and Akihito.

After winning the final eviction night with 80% of the vote, Kim goes on to a long and distinguished career in television presenting. George W., losing in the first round, heads back to his Texan ranch and vows to blow the crap out of North Korea. Unbeknownst to him however, Korean hackers have altered his version of Google Earth and he ends up wiping himself out and taking half of Texas with him. No tears are shed.

In conclusion, nobody cares about these pissy little missile tests. North Korea can flex their muscles all they want, in the end they’re only second in line to get invaded after Iran.

Policy Shift My Arse!

Is everyone blind, stupid or both? Media outlets are reporting Bush’s offer to join talks with Iran as a major policy shift. Of course, the precondition of these talks is that Iran suspend its nuclear program.

Now, I know that Iran is not willing to do this. The media has also reported that Iran is not willing to do this. Bush, while generally viewed as an incompetent, snivelling grub, surely is also aware that there is no way in hell that Iran will suspend its program just to sit down at a table with him.

What conclusions can we draw then? The US is offering an olive branch with the full knowledge that Iran is not going to take it. The anti-war faction is appeased. The media reports a major Bush policy shift. His approval rating lifts.

The next step in the sequence is for Iran to refuse to suspend the enrichment of uranium. The US in turn will refuse to attend the diplomatic talks. Bush will go on record as saying “We tried the diplomatic route, and Iran refused.”

Bush then uses Iran’s refusal to participate in negotiations as an excuse to invade them. Blame shifts to Iran, the US beats the shit out of them for a while, and Americans can go to bed at night safe in the knowledge that they are doing the right thing.

Once again, we’re counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums.

Iran Announcement Spells Trouble

In case you’re living inside a box, here’s the story:

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD (translated): I’m announcing officially that Iran has now joined the countries which have nuclear technology. This is a very historic moment and it’s thanks to the Iranian people and their beliefs. This is the start of progress for our country.

Iran has announced that they have successfully enriched uranium in their high security facility near Natanz. Let’s check the timeline.

1959: The Tehran Nuclear Research Center is established, and supplied with a 5 megawatt research reactor by the US.

1968: Iran signs the Nuclear Non-proliferation treaty.

1970s: Iran, aided by the US, draws up plans to build plants capable of producing a total 23 GW.

1979: The Iranian Revolution transforms Iran from a pro-western constitutional monarchy to a populist theocratic republic.

September 1980: Iraq, secretly backed by the US, invades Iran.

1983: IAEA plans to assist Iran to produce enriched uranium are scrapped due to pressure from the US.

August 1988: Ceasefire with Iraq signed.

1995: The US imposes oil and trade sanctions on Iran over terrorist sponsorship allegations.

January 2001: George W. Bush sworn in to office.

October 2001: US invades Afghanistan.

January 2002: Bush describes Iran as a member of the “Axis of Evil”.

August 2002: Iranian exiles claim that Tehran has built a uranium enrichment plant at Natanz.

September 2002: US satellite images confirm the existence of the enrichment facility. Russian technicians begin construction of Iran’s first nuclear reactor.

December 2002: Satellite images released to public, Iran agrees to cooperate with IAEA inspectors.

February 2003: Iran reveals plans to develop a full nuclear cycle.

March 2003: US invades Iraq.

August 2003: Enriched uranium discovered at Natanz.

October 2003: Iran agrees to stop enrichment of uranium.

February 2004: Iran agrees to stop enrichment of uranium.

September 2004: IAEA orders Iran to stop preparations for large-scale uranium enrichment.

November 2004: Iran agrees to suspend uranium enrichment.

August 2005: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad elected president of Iran.

October 2005: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls for Israel to be wiped off the map.

April 2006: Iran announces that they have successfully enriched uranium.

Now, as part of the war of words between the US and Iran, there has been talk of tactical nuclear strikes on Iran’s facilities, which is a pretty extreme measure considering that Tehran is probably several years away from developing a bomb. You can bet your bottom dollar that the US military has their invasion plans drawn up printed out, and dumbed down for the president to be able to read. The pre-emptive strike shit is a decoy - not even bush is stupid enough to use nukes.

So, Bush still has 2 1/2 years left in power. When he invaded Iraq, he needed to justify the invasion to his people so they would re-elect him. Now however, another invasion won’t really change his approval rating much, and he doesn’t need to worry about popular opinion anyway. He can also win brownie points with the religious right by wiping out another third of the axis of evil.

I predict that Bush will pull his troops out of Iraq some time next year, and then 12 months after that, they’ll be flying into Iran, guns blazing. This will trigger responses from both Israel and Palestine, who will start blowing each other to smithereens.

Stalemate.

China Scores 20 kT of Uranium

Wen Jiabao, the current Chinese Premier, couldn’t be happier with the new deal he’s just struck with Johnny to import 20 kilo-tonnes of uranium. Rigorous safeguards will prevent China from using the uranium for military purposes.

Mr Howard says he is happy with the terms of the nuclear agreement.

“I am satisfied that the safeguards that are there will be enforced,” he said.

The agreement will ensure that Australian uranium is only sold to electricity companies and there are international inspections of Chinese nuclear facilities.

Speaking through a translator, the Chinese leader emphasised the uranium would not be used for military purposes.

“China and Australia are conducting nuclear co-operation and this is solely for peaceful purposes,” he said.

Now, 245 tonnes of uranium will supply a 1 GW reactor for a year¹. China’s total energy demand is around about 1700 GW². So we would be providing them with about 80 GW years of energy - enough to power the entire country for 17 days. Remember, none of this uranium can be used for military purposes.

But wait a sec, China only has the capacity to generate 8 GW of nuclear power. This will increase to 40 GW by 2020³. So, the current deal will give them around about 7-8 years of powering their reactors exclusively on Australian uranium. Leaving their old stocks and supplies free to be used in any way China chooses - including (surprise surprise)… enrichment!

Let’s just hope that The Party remembers who made it all happen when the start to take over the world, and they leave us alone.

Happy 60th Birthday…

To the nuclear bomb! I didn’t get you a present, but then again, Australia doesn’t exactly own any nukes, do we? Get off my back!