Joining the bandwagon

Alright, after months of ignoring the upcoming US elections, I have decided to add my drivel to the collective political blogging pool, so I guess it’s time to pick a side.

For the past few months I have been concerned that the departure of George W. will hurt my website’s popularity, as the party faithful decide to ditch my beloved quote generator. However, John Sidney III has resolved this issue by selecting a VP candidate who is arguably worse at public speaking than the master himself.

If McCain/Palin get in, I can say hello to four more years of massive traffic! Of course, this generator is still in the early stages, so feel free to send me an email with anything that comes out of her mouth that you would like included. Add the generator to your website with this code:

<script type=”text/javascript” language=”javascript” src=”http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/palin-script.php”></script>

Or, add it to your Google home page:

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman for the initial stock of quotes, and thanks as ever to Pascal Hakim for fortune. My Sarah Palin fortune module is freely available here if you are interested.

Finally, I would like to plug the greatest piece of political satire in living memory.

US election Centrebet analysis

Avid followers of this self-indulgent isochronal may recall that my Centrebet analysis accurately predicted the result of last year’s federal election - give or take a seat in NSW and Victoria, and 2 in Queensland (bloody banana benders) and WA.

Let us therefore apply the same analysis to the upcoming US presidential elections.

So there we have it; the Dems to take 30 states (including Washington D.C.), and the GOP to take the remaining 21. If we translate that into actual electoral college votes (apportioning Maine and Nebraska 2-2 and 2-3 respectively), then Obama storms home with a whopping 375 votes to 163!

The closest race will be in Indiana, with the Democrats at $1.70. Centrebet has Obama at $1.07 to be the next president, however by my calculations he needs to win all the states that are at $1.11 or better to get the required 270 votes.

Of course, Centrebet is an Australian company, and so the options don’t stop at who is going to win the election. Here is my personal favourite option, which I will be putting five bucks on.

George W. Bush; a tribute

Just 85 days remain in the second and final term of the 43rd president of the US of A. Love him or hate him, you have to admit it has been an interesting ride. Let us review.

When it comes to polls, Mr Bush has broken all the records. First of all, he knocked his pa off the highest approval rating, with a whopping 92% shortly after the world trade centre fireworks. He then went off to knock Truman off the lowest approval rating ladder, with a measley 19% during the Iraqi insurgency.

Bush also went on to break the record for higest disapproval rating, clocking in at 76% when the economy collapsed around him and Americans finally realised that they all would have been much better off if he had stuck to the golf course for the past 8 years.

As you know, I am a big fan of graphs, so let’s see one.

The 9/11 attacks delivered Bush the biggest poll boost in the history of the universe, and in two short years, he had squandered it all. Was it his total lack of charisma, his mind-numbing lack of public speaking ability, his crass nationalism or his haircut that made the rest of the world hate him? None of the above.

Attention to detail is the problem here. If you’re going to be the most powerful man in the world, you should know the difference between Australia and Austria; between APEC and OPEC. Can you imagine this guy in bed with his wife?

That was fantastic, Lauren. Lisa. Laura. Whatever.

(Yes, I do take pleasure in give people mental images of a post-coital Bush).

To conclude, let us all have a long hard think about what “democratic capitalism” has done to America. Is this really the socio-political system that we want to press forward with? Maybe once all of our parliaments are underwater, we will find the will to change.

What can you buy for US$700,000,000,000?

• Carbon offsets for the entire of the USA (22% of global emissions) for four years
• Enough food to feed every single person in the world for one year
• 12 years of education for 767 million Africans
• 26 solid gold Batmobiles
• Manchester United, Real Madrid, Arsenal, Liverpool, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Barcelona, Chelsea, Juventus, Schalke 04, AS Roma, Tottenham Hotspur, Olympique Lyonnais, Inter Milan, Borussia Dortmund, Newcastle United, Hamburg SV, Werder Bremen, Valencia, Celtic, Everton, West Ham United, Manchester City, Aston Villa and Olympique Marseille, 50 times over
• A short-term reprieve for a fundamentally unsustainable flailing US economy

I have been very foolish

Alright, I admit it. I overreacted to the latest university massacre in the United States. Tighter gun control? Ridiculous! What was I thinking?

14 000 US university students have discovered the clear and simple solution to this problem, while I have been busy twiddling my thumbs. Of course, I refer to the Students for Concealed Carry on Campus (SCCC) organisation. The real problem here isn’t the lack of gun control in the US - quite the opposite! The real issue is the draconian restrictions on gun possession on university soil.

Look at it this way - when Joe Columbine decides to bring a Kalashnikov to class and blow away a few enemies, the poor unarmed students present in calss don’t stand a chance. The SCCC seeks to change that, by overturning the rules banning weapons on campus. Suddenly, we would have a whole lot of vigilante students, upholding the law and protecting the innocent.

The only problem with this plan, as I see it, is that it doesn’t go far enough. What happens if a gunman goes berko in a class without a designated “Concealed Carrier”? More deaths! What America really needs, is compulsary weapon ownership. Every student should be issued with a Colt .45 when they start their degree. As soon as a loony starts waving a gun, he’s got 400 barrels aimed at him, and statistics suggest that he’s not going to last too long. The double digit massacres of the past will be a faint memory. According to my statistical modelling, your average gunman would only be able to bring down 2, or maybe 3 students with the advantage of surprise, before being hit by a barrage of lead.

God bless America.

What does it take?

Another day, another gun-toting maniac on a rampage in a US university. This time, it became a little more significant to me because it occured just 100 kms down the road from the campus where a good friend is studying a PhD in politics.

In Australia, it took just one man and 35 lives to change our gun laws. Let’s have a quick look at Wikipedia’s list of school shootings (note, school shootings only) that have occured in the recent history of the USA:

The mind boggles. Of course, as gun ownership is protected under the US constitution, nothing will change in the forseeable future. But until some action is taken, these shootings will continue like clockwork. Wake up America!

2007 in review

We appear to have come to the end of another year. As is the tradition at this time of year, I shall now provide my own summary of my favoured events, in chronological order.

January: 5-0

Revenge was sweet, as Australia scored an Ashes whitewash for the first time in 86 years or so. The greatest bowler in the history of the universe, Glenn McGrath, retired from the game in style, and the poms were sent home with nothing. Except for the Ashes, that is. They’re such bad sports that they won’t even let us keep the trophy.

January: Tool

This was the second time I have seen Tool. Awesome.

July: Cadel Evans

In the closest ever top three finish, Cadel Evans became the greatest ever Australian cyclist, finishing just 23 seconds away from the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. This is despite having one of the weaker support teams. Next year for sure!

August: The Farm

This was the seventh (?) trip to the farm, and with the biggest fire yet, it was certainly one of the best. Highlights include drinking, cooking dead animals, and lighting stuff on fire. Oh, and my successful comeback to the exciting sport of postie bike riding. This time, without the crashing into tree part.

September: The Combat Wombats

For the first time since 2005, we put together a Futsal team. Despite our final position on the table (10 games, 0 wins, 0 draws) we had a fantastic season and I’m confident that we can only go up in 2008.

November: Dani Ecuyer Dummy Spit

It was a bumpy road for Dani Ecuyer. Running for the seat of Wentworth against her ex-boyfriend George Newhouse, and sitting MP Malcolm Turnbull, she caused a bit of a stir in the media.

A satirical piece on this site was the final straw for Dani, who believed that Miranda Devine was really calling her a left-wing harlot. This response was posted on votedani.com:

Miranda Devine, Caroline Overington and Climate Change

Well well well, it seems the sisterhood only works in theory. It’s official I am having a real impact on the incumbents and I have now been called a ‘harlot’ by Miranda Devine.’ So I work on Climate Change and the pulp mill. Two super hot issues in election 2007, especially in the Environment Minister, Mr Turnbull’s electorate. Now I am a ’stiletto thumping femme fatale’ and a harlot to boot. Amused, well I can assure you I am not amused in the slightest. I am running on real issues and have two websites to prove it, not to mention a serious career in investment banking.

And it went on… Of course, this post was removed from her site shortly afterwards. Obviously a friend let her in on the joke.

Thank you Dani, for brightening up an otherwise grey campaign.

November: Maxine’s victory

I would like to say that the Labor victory in November was one of the highlights of the year. However, as I believe that Kevin Rudd is the spawn of the devil, I shall only pause to commemorate Maxine McKew’s victory over a populist PM who had it coming for a long time.

My grandmother once recounted how she had believed that “Honest John”, as he was known back in the 90s, was going to be great for the country, and we were going to have sunshine and roses every day.

Eleven years later, even the staunchest Liberal voter would have to admit that Johnny had lost his sheen long ago, and that the lies had always been justified by the electorate’s hip pocket. Thankfully, no longer will this be the case.

December: The Wedding

Yes, on December the 15th I married my bride, Sarah. This signalled the end of the first stage of my life, as I settled down and became a responsible member of society.

That’s what I told Sarah, anyway.

To the pub!

Well, that about sums up all the important events of 2007. I’m off to Tasmania for the honeymoon, and will be back at the end of January. Bon voyage!

Postlude: I would like to wish a quick congratulations to Mr Nicholas J. Broadbent, and his magnificent fiancée Mel. Nice one!

Good shot, sir!

Another prime example of natural selection failing in the modern world comes from Lake Luzerne, New York.

Damion Mosher [...] put bullets in a vice and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings…

Can anyone guess what happened next?

[The first 100] rounds that Mosher hit had “fizzled”, but one was somehow sent with more force… [This] bullet went about two centimetres into his abdomen.

Give that man a new!

Chuck Norris Generator

With the increasing popularity of my George W. Bush generator, it’s time to expand.

All you need to do is post the following code on your site:

<script type="text/javascript" language="javascript" src="http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/fortunes.php?file=chucknorris"></script>

You can also add the quote generator to your Google home page.

Chuck Norris Facts were provided by Paul Kessler’s Chuck Norris fortune module. The generator runs using Pascal Hakim’s excellent fortune program.

Hold Your Wee for a Wii

Nintendo’s latest marketing strategy has been dealt its first blow, thanks to a contest on a Californian radio program.

A woman who competed in a radio station’s contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication, the coroner’s office said Saturday.

Following the tragedy, the radio station had to rethink its other promotions - “Snort for Sony”, where contestants had to see how much cocaine they could inhale with one snort, and “The X-Box challenge”, where contestants had to go 360 days without oxygen to win a new X-Box 360.