Alright, after months of ignoring the upcoming US elections, I have decided to add my drivel to the collective political blogging pool, so I guess it’s time to pick a side.
For the past few months I have been concerned that the departure of George W. will hurt my website’s popularity, as the party faithful decide to ditch my beloved quote generator. However, John Sidney III has resolved this issue by selecting a VP candidate who is arguably worse at public speaking than the master himself.
If McCain/Palin get in, I can say hello to four more years of massive traffic! Of course, this generator is still in the early stages, so feel free to send me an email with anything that comes out of her mouth that you would like included. Add the generator to your website with this code:
Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman for the initial stock of quotes, and thanks as ever to Pascal Hakim for fortune. My Sarah Palin fortune module is freely available here if you are interested.
Finally, I would like to plug the greatest piece of political satire in living memory.
Avid followers of this self-indulgent isochronal may recall that my Centrebet analysis accurately predicted the result of last year’s federal election - give or take a seat in NSW and Victoria, and 2 in Queensland (bloody banana benders) and WA.
Let us therefore apply the same analysis to the upcoming US presidential elections.
Democrat states
Republican states
CALIFORNIA
ALABAMA
COLORADO
ARIZONA
CONNECTICUT
ALASKA
DELAWARE
ARKANSAS
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA
GEORGIA
FLORIDA
IDAHO
HAWAII
KANSAS
ILLINOIS
KENTUCKY
INDIANA
LOUISIANA
IOWA
MISSISSIPPI
MAINE
MONTANA
MARYLAND
NEBRASKA
MASSACHUSETTS
NORTH DAKOTA
MICHIGAN
OKLAHOMA
MINNESOTA
SOUTH CAROLINA
MISSOURI
SOUTH DAKOTA
NEVADA
TENNESSEE
NEW HAMPSHIRE
TEXAS
NEW JERSEY
UTAH
NEW MEXICO
WEST VIRGINIA
NEW YORK
WYOMING
NORTH CAROLINA
OHIO
OREGON
PENNSYLVANIA
RHODE ISLAND
VERMONT
VIRGINIA
WASHINGTON
WISCONSIN
So there we have it; the Dems to take 30 states (including Washington D.C.), and the GOP to take the remaining 21. If we translate that into actual electoral college votes (apportioning Maine and Nebraska 2-2 and 2-3 respectively), then Obama storms home with a whopping 375 votes to 163!
The closest race will be in Indiana, with the Democrats at $1.70. Centrebet has Obama at $1.07 to be the next president, however by my calculations he needs to win all the states that are at $1.11 or better to get the required 270 votes.
Of course, Centrebet is an Australian company, and so the options don’t stop at who is going to win the election. Here is my personal favourite option, which I will be putting five bucks on.
Just 85 days remain in the second and final term of the 43rd president of the US of A. Love him or hate him, you have to admit it has been an interesting ride. Let us review.
When it comes to polls, Mr Bush has broken all the records. First of all, he knocked his pa off the highest approval rating, with a whopping 92% shortly after the world trade centre fireworks. He then went off to knock Truman off the lowest approval rating ladder, with a measley 19% during the Iraqi insurgency.
Bush also went on to break the record for higest disapproval rating, clocking in at 76% when the economy collapsed around him and Americans finally realised that they all would have been much better off if he had stuck to the golf course for the past 8 years.
As you know, I am a big fan of graphs, so let’s see one.
The 9/11 attacks delivered Bush the biggest poll boost in the history of the universe, and in two short years, he had squandered it all. Was it his total lack of charisma, his mind-numbing lack of public speaking ability, his crass nationalism or his haircut that made the rest of the world hate him? None of the above.
Attention to detail is the problem here. If you’re going to be the most powerful man in the world, you should know the difference between Australia and Austria; between APEC and OPEC. Can you imagine this guy in bed with his wife?
That was fantastic, Lauren. Lisa. Laura. Whatever.
(Yes, I do take pleasure in give people mental images of a post-coital Bush).
To conclude, let us all have a long hard think about what “democratic capitalism” has done to America. Is this really the socio-political system that we want to press forward with? Maybe once all of our parliaments are underwater, we will find the will to change.
Carbon offsets for the entire of the USA (22% of global emissions) for four years
Enough food to feed every single person in the world for one year
12 years of education for 767 million Africans
26 solid gold Batmobiles
Manchester United, Real Madrid, Arsenal, Liverpool, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Barcelona, Chelsea, Juventus, Schalke 04, AS Roma, Tottenham Hotspur, Olympique Lyonnais, Inter Milan, Borussia Dortmund, Newcastle United, Hamburg SV, Werder Bremen, Valencia, Celtic, Everton, West Ham United, Manchester City, Aston Villa and Olympique Marseille, 50 times over
A short-term reprieve for a fundamentally unsustainable flailing US economy
Alright, I admit it. I overreacted to the latest university massacre in the United States. Tighter gun control? Ridiculous! What was I thinking?
14 000 US university students have discovered the clear and simple solution to this problem, while I have been busy twiddling my thumbs. Of course, I refer to the Students for Concealed Carry on Campus (SCCC) organisation. The real problem here isn’t the lack of gun control in the US - quite the opposite! The real issue is the draconian restrictions on gun possession on university soil.
Look at it this way - when Joe Columbine decides to bring a Kalashnikov to class and blow away a few enemies, the poor unarmed students present in calss don’t stand a chance. The SCCC seeks to change that, by overturning the rules banning weapons on campus. Suddenly, we would have a whole lot of vigilante students, upholding the law and protecting the innocent.
The only problem with this plan, as I see it, is that it doesn’t go far enough. What happens if a gunman goes berko in a class without a designated “Concealed Carrier”? More deaths! What America really needs, is compulsary weapon ownership. Every student should be issued with a Colt .45 when they start their degree. As soon as a loony starts waving a gun, he’s got 400 barrels aimed at him, and statistics suggest that he’s not going to last too long. The double digit massacres of the past will be a faint memory. According to my statistical modelling, your average gunman would only be able to bring down 2, or maybe 3 students with the advantage of surprise, before being hit by a barrage of lead.
Another day, another gun-toting maniac on a rampage in a US university. This time, it became a little more significant to me because it occured just 100 kms down the road from the campus where a good friend is studying a PhD in politics.
In Australia, it took just one man and 35 lives to change our gun laws. Let’s have a quick look at Wikipedia’s list of school shootings (note, school shootings only) that have occured in the recent history of the USA:
Name
Location
Date/Year
University of Texas at Austin massacre
Austin, Texas, United States
August 1, 1966
Orangeburg Massacre
Orangeburg, South Carolina, United States
February 8, 1968
Kent State shootings
Kent, Ohio, United States
May 4, 1970
Jackson State killings
Jackson, Mississippi, United States
May 14-15, 1970
California State University, Fullerton Library Massacre
Fullerton, California, United States
July 12, 1976
Cleveland Elementary School shooting
San Diego, California, United States
January 29, 1979
Parkway South Junior High School shooting
Saint Louis, Missouri, United States
January 20, 1983
Stockton massacre
Stockton, California, United States
January 17, 1989
University of Iowa shooting
Iowa City, Iowa, United States
November 1, 1991
Simon’s Rock College of Bard shooting
Great Barrington, Massachusetts, United States
December 14, 1992
Lindhurst High School shooting
Marysville, California, United States
May 1, 1992
East Carter High School shooting
Grayson, Kentucky, United States
January 18, 1993
Richland High School shooting
Lynnville, Tennessee, United States
November 15, 1995
Frontier Junior High shooting
Moses Lake, Washington, United States
February 2, 1996
Bethel High School shooting
Bethel, Alaska, United States
February 19, 1997
Pearl High School shooting
Pearl, Mississippi, United States
October 1, 1997
Heath High School shooting
West Paducah, Kentucky United States
December 1, 1997
Jonesboro massacre
Jonesboro, Arkansas, United States
March 24, 1998
Parker Middle School Shooting
Edinboro, Pennsylvania
April 24, 1998
Thurston High School shooting
Springfield, Oregon, United States
May 21, 1998
Columbine High School massacre
Littleton, Colorado, United States
April 20, 1999
Heritage High School shooting
Conyers, Georgia, United States
May 20, 1999
Buell Elementary School shooting
Mount Morris Township, Michigan, United States
February 29, 2000
Santana High School shooting
Santee, California, United States
March 5, 2001
Granite Hills High School shooting
El Cajon, California
March 22, 2001
Appalachian School of Law shooting
Grundy, Virginia, United States
January 16, 2002
John McDonogh High School Shooting
New Orleans, LA, United States
April 14, 2003
Red Lion Area Junior High School shootings
Red Lion, Pennsylvania, United States
April 24, 2003
Rocori High School shootings
Cold Spring, Minnesota, United States
September 24, 2003
Red Lake High School massacre
Red Lake, Minnesota, United States
March 21, 2005
Campbell County High School shooting
Jacksboro, Tennessee
November 8, 2005
Pine Middle School shooting
Reno, Nevada, United States
March 14, 2006
Platte Canyon High School shooting
Bailey, Colorado, United States
September 27, 2006
Weston High School shooting
Cazenovia, Wisconsin
September 29, 2006
Amish school shooting
Nickel Mines, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, United States
October 2, 2006
Virginia Tech massacre
Blacksburg, Virginia, United States
April 16, 2007
Delaware State University shooting
Dover, Delaware, United States
September 21, 2007
SuccessTech Academy shooting
Cleveland, Ohio, United States
October 10, 2007
Notre Dame Elementary shooting
Portsmouth, Ohio, United States
February 7, 2008
Louisiana Technical College shooting
Baton Rouge, LA, United States
February 8, 2008
Mitchell High School shooting
Memphis, TN, United States
February 11, 2008
E.O. Green Junior High School shooting
Oxnard, CA, United States
February 12, 2008
McNair High School shooting
Atlanta, GA, United States
February 12, 2008
Northern Illinois University massacre
DeKalb, Illinois, United States
February 14, 2008
The mind boggles. Of course, as gun ownership is protected under the US constitution, nothing will change in the forseeable future. But until some action is taken, these shootings will continue like clockwork. Wake up America!
We appear to have come to the end of another year. As is the tradition at this time of year, I shall now provide my own summary of my favoured events, in chronological order.
January: 5-0
Revenge was sweet, as Australia scored an Ashes whitewash for the first time in 86 years or so. The greatest bowler in the history of the universe, Glenn McGrath, retired from the game in style, and the poms were sent home with nothing. Except for the Ashes, that is. They’re such bad sports that they won’t even let us keep the trophy.
January: Tool
This was the second time I have seen Tool. Awesome.
July: Cadel Evans
In the closest ever top three finish, Cadel Evans became the greatest ever Australian cyclist, finishing just 23 seconds away from the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. This is despite having one of the weaker support teams. Next year for sure!
August: The Farm
This was the seventh (?) trip to the farm, and with the biggest fire yet, it was certainly one of the best. Highlights include drinking, cooking dead animals, and lighting stuff on fire. Oh, and my successful comeback to the exciting sport of postie bike riding. This time, without the crashing into tree part.
September: The Combat Wombats
For the first time since 2005, we put together a Futsal team. Despite our final position on the table (10 games, 0 wins, 0 draws) we had a fantastic season and I’m confident that we can only go up in 2008.
November: Dani Ecuyer Dummy Spit
It was a bumpy road for Dani Ecuyer. Running for the seat of Wentworth against her ex-boyfriend George Newhouse, and sitting MP Malcolm Turnbull, she caused a bit of a stir in the media.
A satirical piece on this site was the final straw for Dani, who believed that Miranda Devine was really calling her a left-wing harlot. This response was posted on votedani.com:
Miranda Devine, Caroline Overington and Climate Change
Well well well, it seems the sisterhood only works in theory. It’s official I am having a real impact on the incumbents and I have now been called a ‘harlot’ by Miranda Devine.’ So I work on Climate Change and the pulp mill. Two super hot issues in election 2007, especially in the Environment Minister, Mr Turnbull’s electorate. Now I am a ’stiletto thumping femme fatale’ and a harlot to boot. Amused, well I can assure you I am not amused in the slightest. I am running on real issues and have two websites to prove it, not to mention a serious career in investment banking.
And it went on… Of course, this post was removed from her site shortly afterwards. Obviously a friend let her in on the joke.
Thank you Dani, for brightening up an otherwise grey campaign.
November: Maxine’s victory
I would like to say that the Labor victory in November was one of the highlights of the year. However, as I believe that Kevin Rudd is the spawn of the devil, I shall only pause to commemorate Maxine McKew’s victory over a populist PM who had it coming for a long time.
My grandmother once recounted how she had believed that “Honest John”, as he was known back in the 90s, was going to be great for the country, and we were going to have sunshine and roses every day.
Eleven years later, even the staunchest Liberal voter would have to admit that Johnny had lost his sheen long ago, and that the lies had always been justified by the electorate’s hip pocket. Thankfully, no longer will this be the case.
December: The Wedding
Yes, on December the 15th I married my bride, Sarah. This signalled the end of the first stage of my life, as I settled down and became a responsible member of society.
That’s what I told Sarah, anyway.
To the pub!
Well, that about sums up all the important events of 2007. I’m off to Tasmania for the honeymoon, and will be back at the end of January. Bon voyage!
Postlude: I would like to wish a quick congratulations to Mr Nicholas J. Broadbent, and his magnificent fiancée Mel. Nice one!
Another prime example of natural selection failing in the modern world comes from Lake Luzerne, New York.
Damion Mosher [...] put bullets in a vice and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings…
Can anyone guess what happened next?
[The first 100] rounds that Mosher hit had “fizzled”, but one was somehow sent with more force… [This] bullet went about two centimetres into his abdomen.
A woman who competed in a radio station’s contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication, the coroner’s office said Saturday.
Following the tragedy, the radio station had to rethink its other promotions - “Snort for Sony”, where contestants had to see how much cocaine they could inhale with one snort, and “The X-Box challenge”, where contestants had to go 360 days without oxygen to win a new X-Box 360.