Quit or die

The first thing that would make me feel a little bit better towards them is if they follow the Japanese example and come before the American people and take that deep bow, and say I’m sorry, and then either do one of two things: resign or go commit suicide

- Senator Charles Grassley, Iowa

This kind of “guts or glory” hyperbole is the missing link in Australian politics, and has been for some time. Despite Big Kev’s careful placement of such words as “shitstorm” into recent interviews, it is quite apparent that Australian politicians are still a long way from suggesting that senior executives should top themselves.

So where did we go wrong?

I was born during the reign of Malcolm “pants-down-in-Memphis” Fraser. Soon after we had Bob Hawke, with his famous “any boss who sacks an employee is a bum” America’s Cup victory speech. Keating’s insults were by and large limited to big words that noone else could understand, and Howard was too busy looking over his shoulder at Costello to come up with any truly brilliant pieces of invective.

Big Kev cannot and will not save us; his vocabulary is strictly limited to statements such as “we’ll be very cross with companies closing down after taking our subsidies”.

None of these figureheads of Australian politics come even close to the levels of potential controversy achieved by our good friend Senator Grassley.

Australia doesn’t want political correctness any more. We’ve had the Keating years, we’ve had the apology to the stolen generation. We all acknowledge that we are living in a diverse and exciting society where everyone has an equal place. Now let’s get back to calling apples apples.

Top finance executives who steer their companies towards collapse and then take multi-million dollar payouts should not be encouraged to kill themselves. It should be mandatory. Compulsory corporate seppuku, that’s what I’m talking about.

Furthermore, in order to raise the capital required to get these companies spending again and restart the economy, each business should hold a charity-style shareholder’s auction. The winning bidder will be able to nominate the method by which their overpaid office-bearer dispatches him/herself from this plane of being.

We could even sell the rights to the live auctions (and subsequent deaths) to Channel Ten.

I look forward to my proposal being debated during the next session of parliament.

Barack Obama: the first 587 hours

Everyone seems to get quite excited about what politicians have achieved in 100 days, as if this is some magical milestone on which to judge their entire existence. Hogwash! It’s not even a prime number.

My model is the first 587 hours. So here we go.

Hour 1: Obama takes office. There was some kind of stuffup.
Hour 24: Obama re-takes office. No stuffups this time.
Hour 216: Obamicon.Me records its 500,000th Obama icon. Most of these are attributed to Duncan.
Hour 587: Prominent and world famous blogger Stu chronicles the first 587 hours of Obama’s presidency.

So far, nothing too interesting has happened. I’ll see you after 8191 hours of office!

Joining the bandwagon

Alright, after months of ignoring the upcoming US elections, I have decided to add my drivel to the collective political blogging pool, so I guess it’s time to pick a side.

For the past few months I have been concerned that the departure of George W. will hurt my website’s popularity, as the party faithful decide to ditch my beloved quote generator. However, John Sidney III has resolved this issue by selecting a VP candidate who is arguably worse at public speaking than the master himself.

If McCain/Palin get in, I can say hello to four more years of massive traffic! Of course, this generator is still in the early stages, so feel free to send me an email with anything that comes out of her mouth that you would like included. Add the generator to your website with this code:

<script type=”text/javascript” language=”javascript” src=”http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/palin-script.php”></script>

Or, add it to your Google home page:

Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman for the initial stock of quotes, and thanks as ever to Pascal Hakim for fortune. My Sarah Palin fortune module is freely available here if you are interested.

Finally, I would like to plug the greatest piece of political satire in living memory.

US election Centrebet analysis

Avid followers of this self-indulgent isochronal may recall that my Centrebet analysis accurately predicted the result of last year’s federal election – give or take a seat in NSW and Victoria, and 2 in Queensland (bloody banana benders) and WA.

Let us therefore apply the same analysis to the upcoming US presidential elections.

So there we have it; the Dems to take 30 states (including Washington D.C.), and the GOP to take the remaining 21. If we translate that into actual electoral college votes (apportioning Maine and Nebraska 2-2 and 2-3 respectively), then Obama storms home with a whopping 375 votes to 163!

The closest race will be in Indiana, with the Democrats at $1.70. Centrebet has Obama at $1.07 to be the next president, however by my calculations he needs to win all the states that are at $1.11 or better to get the required 270 votes.

Of course, Centrebet is an Australian company, and so the options don’t stop at who is going to win the election. Here is my personal favourite option, which I will be putting five bucks on.

George W. Bush; a tribute

Just 85 days remain in the second and final term of the 43rd president of the US of A. Love him or hate him, you have to admit it has been an interesting ride. Let us review.

When it comes to polls, Mr Bush has broken all the records. First of all, he knocked his pa off the highest approval rating, with a whopping 92% shortly after the world trade centre fireworks. He then went off to knock Truman off the lowest approval rating ladder, with a measley 19% during the Iraqi insurgency.

Bush also went on to break the record for higest disapproval rating, clocking in at 76% when the economy collapsed around him and Americans finally realised that they all would have been much better off if he had stuck to the golf course for the past 8 years.

As you know, I am a big fan of graphs, so let’s see one.

The 9/11 attacks delivered Bush the biggest poll boost in the history of the universe, and in two short years, he had squandered it all. Was it his total lack of charisma, his mind-numbing lack of public speaking ability, his crass nationalism or his haircut that made the rest of the world hate him? None of the above.

Attention to detail is the problem here. If you’re going to be the most powerful man in the world, you should know the difference between Australia and Austria; between APEC and OPEC. Can you imagine this guy in bed with his wife?

That was fantastic, Lauren. Lisa. Laura. Whatever.

(Yes, I do take pleasure in give people mental images of a post-coital Bush).

To conclude, let us all have a long hard think about what “democratic capitalism” has done to America. Is this really the socio-political system that we want to press forward with? Maybe once all of our parliaments are underwater, we will find the will to change.

What can you buy for US$700,000,000,000?

• Carbon offsets for the entire of the USA (22% of global emissions) for four years
• Enough food to feed every single person in the world for one year
• 12 years of education for 767 million Africans
• 26 solid gold Batmobiles
• Manchester United, Real Madrid, Arsenal, Liverpool, Bayern Munich, AC Milan, Barcelona, Chelsea, Juventus, Schalke 04, AS Roma, Tottenham Hotspur, Olympique Lyonnais, Inter Milan, Borussia Dortmund, Newcastle United, Hamburg SV, Werder Bremen, Valencia, Celtic, Everton, West Ham United, Manchester City, Aston Villa and Olympique Marseille, 50 times over
• A short-term reprieve for a fundamentally unsustainable flailing US economy

I have been very foolish

Alright, I admit it. I overreacted to the latest university massacre in the United States. Tighter gun control? Ridiculous! What was I thinking?

14 000 US university students have discovered the clear and simple solution to this problem, while I have been busy twiddling my thumbs. Of course, I refer to the Students for Concealed Carry on Campus (SCCC) organisation. The real problem here isn’t the lack of gun control in the US – quite the opposite! The real issue is the draconian restrictions on gun possession on university soil.

Look at it this way – when Joe Columbine decides to bring a Kalashnikov to class and blow away a few enemies, the poor unarmed students present in calss don’t stand a chance. The SCCC seeks to change that, by overturning the rules banning weapons on campus. Suddenly, we would have a whole lot of vigilante students, upholding the law and protecting the innocent.

The only problem with this plan, as I see it, is that it doesn’t go far enough. What happens if a gunman goes berko in a class without a designated “Concealed Carrier”? More deaths! What America really needs, is compulsary weapon ownership. Every student should be issued with a Colt .45 when they start their degree. As soon as a loony starts waving a gun, he’s got 400 barrels aimed at him, and statistics suggest that he’s not going to last too long. The double digit massacres of the past will be a faint memory. According to my statistical modelling, your average gunman would only be able to bring down 2, or maybe 3 students with the advantage of surprise, before being hit by a barrage of lead.

God bless America.

What does it take?

Another day, another gun-toting maniac on a rampage in a US university. This time, it became a little more significant to me because it occured just 100 kms down the road from the campus where a good friend is studying a PhD in politics.

In Australia, it took just one man and 35 lives to change our gun laws. Let’s have a quick look at Wikipedia’s list of school shootings (note, school shootings only) that have occured in the recent history of the USA:

The mind boggles. Of course, as gun ownership is protected under the US constitution, nothing will change in the forseeable future. But until some action is taken, these shootings will continue like clockwork. Wake up America!

2007 in review

We appear to have come to the end of another year. As is the tradition at this time of year, I shall now provide my own summary of my favoured events, in chronological order.

January: 5-0

Revenge was sweet, as Australia scored an Ashes whitewash for the first time in 86 years or so. The greatest bowler in the history of the universe, Glenn McGrath, retired from the game in style, and the poms were sent home with nothing. Except for the Ashes, that is. They’re such bad sports that they won’t even let us keep the trophy.

January: Tool

This was the second time I have seen Tool. Awesome.

July: Cadel Evans

In the closest ever top three finish, Cadel Evans became the greatest ever Australian cyclist, finishing just 23 seconds away from the yellow jersey in the Tour de France. This is despite having one of the weaker support teams. Next year for sure!

August: The Farm

This was the seventh (?) trip to the farm, and with the biggest fire yet, it was certainly one of the best. Highlights include drinking, cooking dead animals, and lighting stuff on fire. Oh, and my successful comeback to the exciting sport of postie bike riding. This time, without the crashing into tree part.

September: The Combat Wombats

For the first time since 2005, we put together a Futsal team. Despite our final position on the table (10 games, 0 wins, 0 draws) we had a fantastic season and I’m confident that we can only go up in 2008.

November: Dani Ecuyer Dummy Spit

It was a bumpy road for Dani Ecuyer. Running for the seat of Wentworth against her ex-boyfriend George Newhouse, and sitting MP Malcolm Turnbull, she caused a bit of a stir in the media.

A satirical piece on this site was the final straw for Dani, who believed that Miranda Devine was really calling her a left-wing harlot. This response was posted on votedani.com:

Miranda Devine, Caroline Overington and Climate Change

Well well well, it seems the sisterhood only works in theory. It’s official I am having a real impact on the incumbents and I have now been called a ‘harlot’ by Miranda Devine.’ So I work on Climate Change and the pulp mill. Two super hot issues in election 2007, especially in the Environment Minister, Mr Turnbull’s electorate. Now I am a ’stiletto thumping femme fatale’ and a harlot to boot. Amused, well I can assure you I am not amused in the slightest. I am running on real issues and have two websites to prove it, not to mention a serious career in investment banking.

And it went on… Of course, this post was removed from her site shortly afterwards. Obviously a friend let her in on the joke.

Thank you Dani, for brightening up an otherwise grey campaign.

November: Maxine’s victory

I would like to say that the Labor victory in November was one of the highlights of the year. However, as I believe that Kevin Rudd is the spawn of the devil, I shall only pause to commemorate Maxine McKew’s victory over a populist PM who had it coming for a long time.

My grandmother once recounted how she had believed that “Honest John”, as he was known back in the 90s, was going to be great for the country, and we were going to have sunshine and roses every day.

Eleven years later, even the staunchest Liberal voter would have to admit that Johnny had lost his sheen long ago, and that the lies had always been justified by the electorate’s hip pocket. Thankfully, no longer will this be the case.

December: The Wedding

Yes, on December the 15th I married my bride, Sarah. This signalled the end of the first stage of my life, as I settled down and became a responsible member of society.

That’s what I told Sarah, anyway.

To the pub!

Well, that about sums up all the important events of 2007. I’m off to Tasmania for the honeymoon, and will be back at the end of January. Bon voyage!

Postlude: I would like to wish a quick congratulations to Mr Nicholas J. Broadbent, and his magnificent fiancée Mel. Nice one!

Good shot, sir!

Another prime example of natural selection failing in the modern world comes from Lake Luzerne, New York.

Damion Mosher [...] put bullets in a vice and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings…

Can anyone guess what happened next?

[The first 100] rounds that Mosher hit had “fizzled”, but one was somehow sent with more force… [This] bullet went about two centimetres into his abdomen.

Give that man a new!