Chuck Norris Generator

With the increasing popularity of my George W. Bush generator, it’s time to expand.

All you need to do is post the following code on your site:

<script type="text/javascript" language="javascript" src="http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/fortunes.php?file=chucknorris"></script>

You can also add the quote generator to your Google home page.

Chuck Norris Facts were provided by Paul Kessler’s Chuck Norris fortune module. The generator runs using Pascal Hakim’s excellent fortune program.

Hold Your Wee for a Wii

Nintendo’s latest marketing strategy has been dealt its first blow, thanks to a contest on a Californian radio program.

A woman who competed in a radio station’s contest to see how much water she could drink without going to the bathroom died of water intoxication, the coroner’s office said Saturday.

Following the tragedy, the radio station had to rethink its other promotions – “Snort for Sony”, where contestants had to see how much cocaine they could inhale with one snort, and “The X-Box challenge”, where contestants had to go 360 days without oxygen to win a new X-Box 360.

How The Internet Works

US Senator Ted Stevens describes in intimate detail the inner workings of this thing they call the internet.

There’s one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right.

But this service isn’t going to go through the internet and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free.

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet?

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o’clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why?

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It’s not a truck.

It’s a series of tubes.

And if you don’t understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material.

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that?

Do you know why?

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can’t afford getting delayed by other people.

The security of the United States requires a separate network for defense.

Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves.

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it’s not using what consumers use every day.

It’s not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families.

You should listen to his full speech. The man really struggles to spit his words out. I love the part where one of his staff members sends him an internet at 10 o’clock Friday, but it doesn’t get there until the next Wednesday. I send internets to people all the time and they don’t take that long. Tell him it’s probably easier for his staff to put the internet on a floppy and send it through the post. That’ll clear up the tubes as well.

And yes, Ted Stevens is a republican.

Conspiracy Theorists, Unite!

Just a couple of conspiracy theories to keep you entertained and sceptical on a cool Wednesday evening.

To kickstart, check out all the climate change sceptics being funded by ExxonMobil.

Then, an entertaining little movie about Flight 77, which apparently didn’t crash into the pentagon. My question is, where the hell did the plane go then? The video fails to even consider that question. Apparently new footage was released this morning of the crash, but I haven’t managed to find a clip I can view on my PC.

Now I face the eternal dilemma – to go watch Mundine and Green pound the living crap out of each other, or to sit here, drink a beer and make a start on my literature review? TV or not TV, that is the question.

Worst. Play on words. Ever.

Blaine ain’t no Houdini

In another spectacularly idiotic publicity stunt, American “illusionist” David Blaine has most likely given himself brain damage by attempting to hold his breath for nine minutes. The man who once froze himself in a block of ice for 72 hours has spent the last week under water, while millions of seppos across the US gawked at him through the wonderful medium of the idiot box.

The bad news from the doctors is that he may have suffered irreversible brain damage. Personally, I don’t think he’s got that much to worry about. Maybe he could have a double lobotomy live on air for his next stunt.

Loudmouth Americans Told “Shut It”

After years of foisting their views on unprepared pubgoers, American travellers have been given a list of guidelines on how to act politely. These include:

• Think as big as you like but talk and act smaller.
• Listen at least as much as you talk.
• Save the lectures for your kids.
• Think a little locally.
• Slow down.
• Speak lower and slower.
• Your religion is your religion and not necessarily theirs (although this one applies to many Australians I know as well).
• If you talk politics, talk – don’t argue.

Most of these seem to be common sense, but in a country where they teach “intelligent design” in schools, things like this really need to be written down. Maybe we should poster these up in airport terminals, or make it mandatory to read them when you enter the country. Hopefully this will make our pubs a friendlier place to be when there are tourists around.

Man Tosses Penis

Before cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them — his penis.

Fik, 33, cut off his own penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said. Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody.

“We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own,” said Chicago Police Sgt. Edward Dolan of the 16th District.

Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik’s penis Wednesday, sources said. He was listed in good condition Thursday, according to hospital spokesman Andrew Buchanan, who declined to comment further.

Unfortunately, there was no photo with the story. However, I did write a short song, to the tune of “Jack & Jill”.

Bush Quote Generator

Hey hey kids! It’s time for another useless gadget to add to your web page. This one will spit out a randomly selected quote from our favourite president, George W.!

To use, all your need to do is copy this code into your blog! Stick your favourite photo of the man himself above for extra effect.

<script type=”text/javascript” language=”javascript” src=”http://marsupialmusic.net/stu/scripts/bush-script.php”></script>

Bye for now!

**Update**

Now you can add the quote generator to your Google home page! Hooray!

**Update** – 28/1/2007

Thank you for your continued support of the George W. Bush quote generator. In response to a couple of comments, I have modified the program to include a citation so that you can verify for yourself the accuracy of these quotes.

I’d also like to add a couple of hat-tips. The generator runs using Pascal Hakim’s excellent fortune program, together with Don Seiler’s Dubya module.

**Update** – 26/7/2007

Yes yes, I have disabled the google plugin. Two reasons: firstly, the gadget is growing immensely popular; and secondly, my coding is so clunky that the server can no longer handle all the hits. If anyone has a solution, wants to rewrite the code, or help host the thing on their server, let me know.

Whacko religious calculations

There’s nothing more amusing than Christians trying to use maths to prove the existence of God.

Calculate, if you like, the odds against life ever coming about spontaneously. Take an 8 1/2 x 11 inch sheet of paper and put the number “1″ in the upper left-hand corner. Type zeros after it, single-spaced, until you fill up the whole page with zeros; turn the sheet over and type additional zeros upon the entire page. Continue filling pages with zeros until you produce a volume three inches thick. Compile enough volumes to spread across the whole United States. Stack volumes until they reach past the moon. That is the number of volumes necessary to contain the number of chances to one that life would ever come about by spontaneous generation. Not impossible, but highly unlikely. To hold that position, one is exercising faith, not upholding evidence which is overwhelmingly in his favor. Such a position is held basically because, as Wald says, one chooses not to believe in God.

Now tell me exactly, where does “calculate” come into this? It starts off so precisely, with the exact paper dimensions, single-spacing, but goes downhill from there. How big are the margins? How this is the cover of the book? What happens when the stack of books gets hit by meteors/satellites? Who’s going to pay for all of the ink and paper? And what about all the trees you are killing? Never mind the fact that you are burying the US under a pile of rubbish, it’s probably better off that way.

And where the hell did you calculate this magic probablity anyway? By my calculations, if you take all the Big Mac wrappers from all the burgers that overweight, right-wing American Christians have ever eaten, stack them up across Escondido, California until the leftover grease soaks all the way through Kevin Segraves’ neighbourhood, and then chuck a match to the whole pile, the world will have one less Republican-voting religious nutcase.

Next time, source your data and show all working and maybe I’ll believe you.