SoBar – Cremorne

Welcome back to my cutting pub review section for 2007.

Last Friday night I was privileged enough to attend the event of a lifetime – the grand opening of, as the advertisments call it, a “lower north sure thing”. Having survived two of the worst puns in the history of advertising, I ventured down the airport departure-type entrance to the bar.

Free drinks and canapes were on the cards, but unfortunately the only drinks on offer were some crappy new post-mix vodka crap marketed at the 13-16 year old market, as well as a piss-weak Mexican drink with a piece of fruit crammed in the bottle. Canapes were nowhere to be seen, but the Mosmanites were out in spades. Young lawyers and accountants mingled with 17-year-old private school girls, trying to impress each other under the table despite the noticable absence of any platters of cucumber sandwiches. The only part of the bar with enough room left to swing a cat was the dance floor, but luckily the DJ seemed to be oblivious to the fact that noone liked the music he was playing, and so a constant low throbbing drowned out the endless penis size comparisons emanating from every corner of the bar.

Out the back, we discovered a feature even cooler than the entrance – the exit! Decked out to look like the set of Star Wars, the fire exit was handily cordoned off with police tape, and a young lady was dancing in a hard hat. I am still wondering what this was supposed to signify.

So, in conclusion, if you live in Mosman, went to a private school, and think that BMWs are really cool, click here for my rating. Everyone else, click here.

Three Wise Monkeys

Saturday night rolled around and it was time for me to hit the town in search of easy women, all in the name of science. I slipped my hip flask into my pocket, downed a quick pint at The Madison, and then headed to that bastion of seediness, the Three Wise Monkeys.

We arrived reasonably early – around 11pm – but still we had to wait in a short queue. I suffered a moment’s anxiety when I realised that the bouncer had a metal detector, but thankfully my faithful hip flask went unnoticed, and we made it inside and straight up to level 3.

Now, this place totes itself as “Sydneys’ [sic] best live entertainment venue”, and indeed they won an AHA award for that very thing in 2003. Level three comprises of a big dance floor, a DJ booth, and a tiny stage tucked away in one corner. After a quick detour via the bar, we headed out onto the dance floor. The stage was empty, but the DJ was pumping out shithouse top 40 remixes. A sea of five-foot-nothing gangster wannabes gyrated around the room, keeping their eyes out for anything in a skirt. My three compatriots and I stood a good head above the rest of the crowd, and had the optimum viewing position.

Before long, the cover band took the stage, dressed in resplendent hawaiian shirts. They cranked out all the party tunes, and we danced up a storm. Pockets of women started to appear in the crowd, surrounded by hungry vultures, practically drooling all over themselves in an attempt to get closer. The girls, however, loved it.

Three Wise Monkeys is the perfect meat market, with just the right mixture of class and seediness. Grab a couple of single mates and head down there this weekend.

Bungalow 8

Saturday night’s adventures took me to just one venue: Bungalow 8. Situated at the end of King St Wharf, Darling Harbour, this bar is home to up-and-coming professionals, as well as easy women trying to take advantage of aforementioned professionals.

Upon arrival, I joined a small queue of people, all of whom were being turned away. When I reached the front, the bouncer gave me a quick game of 20 questions and consulted his clipboard. I expressed my desire to enter the bar and consume a beer, and I was let in without further ado. Strangely, I later noticed that 90% of the queue was still being turned away. Maybe they answered the bouncer’s questions truthfully or something. Big mistake.

Without a doubt the best thing about Bungalow 8 is the selection of tap beers.

• Asahi
• Boags Premium
• Bohemian Pilsner
• Coopers Sparkling Ale
• Heineken
• Little Creatures Pale Ale
• Redback

Just to name some of the better ones. But surpassing all these fine drops was the Leffe Blonde which was purchased for me by a fellow marsupial. All of Leffe’s beers are brilliant, and although the Blonde isn’t my favourite, it was definitely the best beer I’ve had for quite some time. Be warned though – a 250mL glass will set you back $7.50. Fortunately I was able to smuggle the glass off the premesis at the end of the evening, to use next time I decide to purchase some fine Belgian ale.

So, if you’re feeling trendy, I’d say a quick beer here is worth your while. Me, I still prefer the the comfort of a nice friendly local.