Who is this young upstart set to be our next premier? Touting a mightily strange accent, she seems to have emerged from the woodwork 15 months ago and is now clinging to the wheel of NSW’s very own Titanic.

Here are some facts so that we can all pretend we have known her for years:

1. She’s 40.
2. She’s from Las Vegas.
3. Her uncle-in-law is prominent Manly fan and author Thomas Keneally.
4. She is the Member for Heffron, an electorate in South Sydney.
5. She joined parliament in 2003.
6. Before the spill, her last quote regarding the Labor leadership was “I have always supported the Premier: Bob Carr; Morris Iemma and now Nathan Rees. Now is the time to put this ridiculous leadership speculation behind us.”
7. She rolled our old garbage-collecting friend 47 votes to 21.
8. She succeeded Frank Sartor as Minister for Planning and Minister for Redfern Waterloo, took over his job as Minister for Infrastructure when he was dumped by Rees, and bested him in the Right Centre Unity ballot to choose the next premier. He’s probably not too happy.

I’ll give her a 65% chance of lasting until the next election, although I’m still hopefully that Frankie can make a comeback. Not that I like the guy, but I’ve got $5 on him leading the Labor party to the 2011 election.

May you live in interesting times.

Of late my hyperbole meter has been going through the roof, as often happens when Australian politicians start talking about “illegal immigration”. An interesting article by Michael Epis pretty much sums up the hypocrisy being spouted by the RuddBot, so we can skip over that topic and go straight to a solution.

But first, let’s reflect on NSW’s transport woes.

Actually, let’s not; we all know that Rees and co. couldn’t transport their way out of a central coast nightclub. Straight to the solution.

Why are we wasting taxpayer dollars bribing Indonesia to cop all the illegal immigrants, when we could be ferrying them in to Australia and putting them to work? In the 1940s,with all the post-war immigrants flooding into Australia, someone with half a brain did just that, and we created one of the greatest renewable energy projects in the world – the Snowy Mountains Hydro-electric Scheme. Today, with climate change threatening to engulf small pacific nations, thereby increasing the number of people looking to jump into leaky boats, we are arguing about how best to offload our responsibility under the relevant UN Convention while at the same time offloading our responsibility to reduce emissions.

Why don’t we just kill two birds with one stone?

Ship in the refugees and put them to work building wind farms, tidal power plants, whatever. Hell, build a giant treadmill attached to a turbine and make them run on it in 4 hour shifts. Work them on a project for 5 years, then give them citizenship.

Let’s build some public transport while we’re at it! A new metro with more than 6 stops. A bullet train from Sydney to Melbourne. Some bloody cycle lanes that aren’t just a line painted on the road.

When we’ve finished with all this stuff, we can move on to further projects, such as demolishing the Cahill Expressway, building a giant wall between Australia and Queensland, filling in all the potholes on our roads, and locating Barnaby Joyce’s brain.

The story so far:

Qualified

1. South Africa
2. Japan
3. Australia
4. Korea Republic
5. Netherlands
6. Korea DPR
7. Brazil
8. Ghana
9. England
10. Spain
11. Paraguay

11 teams in, 21 to go. 72 matches in the next week will see at least 12 more teams qualify, with just the playoffs and maybe some African spots to be sorted out in November. I’ll go group by group.

UEFA 1

Denmark will qualify with a home win over Sweden this weekend. Sweden, Hungary and Portugal all have a chance to qualify if they win both their games and other results go their way. If Sweden beats Denmark this weekend, there will be no Cristiano Ronald at the world cup!

UEFA 2

Switzerland will qualify with a win and a draw from their 2 games (away to Luxembourg, home to Israel). Greece, Latvia and Israel all have a small chance to qualify if they win both their games and other results go their way.

UEFA 3

Slovakia will go through with a draw at home to Slovenia. Should they lose, they’ll need to beat Poland away from home to ensure their passage. If they don’t Slovenia is in with a chance. It’s an epic battle between the former Czechoslovakians and the former Yugoslavians. My money is on the boys from Bratislava.

UEFA 4

Germany will descend on Moscow needing a victory to ensure their progress. A draw will keep them as favourites to progress, but a loss will put Russia in the hot seat. Whichever country doesn’t qualify automatically will be seeded into the playoffs anyway, so it’s likely we’ll see both teams in South Africa.

UEFA 5

Spain is already through. Bosnia just need an away win over Estonia to make the play-offs.

UEFA 6

England is already through. Ukraine need an upset win over the poms to get the upper hand in the battle against Croatia for the playoff spot.

UEFA 7

Serbia are through with a home win over Romania. If they lose, then France’s slim hopes are alive. A win for France will stitch up the playoff spot for them.

UEFA 8

An away draw against Ireland will put our old friends Italy into the Cup, hopefully lining up a revenge match for us. If Ireland wins, they still have a very slim chance of overtaking Italy for direct qualification, but will most likely go into the playoffs.

UEFA 9

The Netherlands are through already and play Australia tomorrow night in Sydney. Norway have sewn up second position, and are odds-on favourites to miss out on the play-offs by virtue of being the worst second place team.

AFC

Côte d’Ivoire are almost guaranteed to qualify after this weekend, needing just a draw against Malawi. Cameroon, Tunisia and Algeria all have a good chance to qualify this week with wins if other results go their way. For Togo and Nigeria, a win this week will put them in the hot seat to qualify with a win in November, but everyone else needs to win and hope for results to go their way.

CONCACAF

The USA just need a win to go through. Mexico need a win and a draw. Honduras and Costa Rica need two wins. El Salvador need a miracle. It will be a tight battle between Honduras and Costa Rica to see who goes down to South America to get flogged in the playoff. Both teams will need to get a result against the USA to maximise their chances. If they both win, then it’s bye bye Uncle Sam.

CONMEBOL

Brazil and Paraguay are of course already through. Chile just needs 2 points to be safe. Ecuador can also be safe with wins from both their games. For everyone else, it’s going to be a nail-biting week. Argentina seems to have the easiest passage with a home game against Peru to start up with. Colombia face Chile, Venezuela face Paraguay and Uruguay face Ecuador; losses for any of these teams would see the end of their campaign. Looks like Diego Maradona could be spared the mantle of “Worst coach ever*” for the time being.

Playoffs

Last but certainly not least: The AFC/OFC playoff 1st leg! Bahrain vs New Zealand. What a world cup it would be if Australia, South Africa and the kiwis were involved. See you next time.

*Excluding Frank Farina

75 games are in action on the 5th, 6th and 9th of September. We should get at least a couple of additions to the world cup lineup (currently South Africa, Japan, Australia, Korea Republic, Netherlands and Korea DPR).

New Zealand’s playoff opponent will be decided in the Asian 5th place playoff between Bahrain and Saudi Arabia.

In Africa, Ghana can go through with a win over Sudan if Mali and Benin draw.

In Europe, Denmark can go through with wins over Portugal and Albania if Hungary don’t beat Sweden and Portugal.

Slovakia can go through with wins over Northern Ireland and Czech Republic if Poland don’t beat Northern Ireland.

Germany can go through by beating Azerbaijan if Russia loses to Liechtenstein and Wales and Finland doesn’t beat Azerbaijan and Liechtenstein.

Spain can go through by beating Estonia and Belgium if Bosnia-Herzegovina don’t beat Armenia and Turkey.

England can get through no questions asked with a win over Croatia.

Serbia can get through with a win over France if France also lose to Romania.

Italy can go through with wins over Georgia and Bulgaria if the Republic of Ireland loses to Cyprus.

Almost anything could happen in CONCACAF – Costa Rica, Honduras and the USA could all qualify if results go their way. More than likely it will remain a 4-way battle with Mexico for the direct spots.

In CONMEBOL, Brazil can qualify by beating Argentina and Chile. Chile can qualify by beating Brazil and Venezuela if Ecuador don’t win both their games. Paraguay can qualify by beating Bolivia and Argentina if Ecuador don’t get at least a win and a draw, and Uruguay don’t win both their games.

Looking forward to a lot of time spent on footytube.com next week.

Ricky Ponting has won the mantle of worst ever captain, by losing the ashes a second time. Here’s my assessment of what we need to do now.

• Keep Clarke and North.With 446 runs at 64 and 367 runs at 52 respectively including two centuries each, they were easily the best batsmen in the team.
• Strip Ponting of the captaincy. Give it to North. Give it to Clarke. Transplant SK Warne’s brain into Hilfenhaus and give it to him, I don’t care. Just let Ponting focus on what he does best: scoring runs.
• Put Watson on notice. His batting was fine for an all-rounder, but why are we selecting an all-rounder if we’re not going to bowl him? Of the part timers North, Clarke and even Katich all performed better. Watson either needs to bowl more and take wickets, or start scoring centuries.
• Keep Haddin. I don’t think we have a better alternative.
• Drop Katich and Hussey. Ignoring their one decent innings each, their averages were 31 and 22 respectively.
• Bring Hughes back. We need to develop an opening batsman, and he’s the man. He’ll fix the short ball problem this summer, and if he doesn’t we can just drop him next year. Give the man a chance.
• Bowling becomes tricky. No one took more than 6 wickets in a match. Only Hilfenhaus had an average under 30, but his best innings was 4/60. Our attack needs work. I think that, with everyone fully fit, the best lineup would be Clark, Lee, Johnson and Hilfenhaus. Hauritz is a hack. If one of those four is injured, I would bring in Nathan Bracken.

That’s it for the team. The following people should also be given the boot for their role in our defeat:

• Andrew Hilditch
• David Boon
• Merv Hughes
• Jamie Cox
• Tim Nielsen
• Liz Ellis
• Kevin Rudd

Furthermore, I propose a referendum to alter the constitution at the next election:

Should Australia lose a test cricket series to England, the Governor General shall immediately dismiss the Government and force an election.

This disturbing piece of news could easily have had a much more hilarious outcome.

Police charge selves with internet grooming

Over the last month, detectives pretending to be a 13-year-old girl on an internet chat site have been talking a 54-year-old priest from Liverpool.

Police say he was sexually explicit during the correspondence, and they arranged to meet the priest for the purpose of sexual activity.

However, in a bizarre twist, it turned out that the “priest” was actually a 13-year-old girl, posing as an old man.

Upon arriving at the rendezvous, police realised their mistake, and were forced place themselves under arrest. They charged themselves with using the internet to groom a person under 16 years of age.

The detectives will face Parramatta Local Court today.

An absolute cracker of a goal from David Carney sealed off a nice win over the world #37 overnight. Our next game on the 5th of September should be interesting – an away match against Korea Republic. Hopefully Pim can get some of the A-League blokes on board to give them a bit of experience.

Another 16 teams were in action overnight in world cup qualifying. With Honduras and Costa Rica playing right now, not a lot has really happened overnight. With Norway’s thumping of Scotland it looks like the second place group 9 UEFA team is going to miss out on the playoffs. Mexico beat the USA which puts them back in a solid position, while Trinidad and Tobago kept their hopes of a second consecutive world cup alive with a win over El Salvador.

All eyes now on the 5th, 6th and 9th of September, when 75 matches should see a few teams cementing world cup slots. England is the only team likely to qualify during this time, but Brazil can sneak in as well with a couple of wins.

Update: Honduras smashed Costa Rica 4-0! CONCACAF is looking interesting, with just 3 points separating the top 4. T&T are now pretty much done, and it’s going to be a scuffle to avoid a playoff with South America. The pressure’s back on Mexico, with must-win games against Honduras and Costa Rica next month.

Dear Andrew,

I have compiled some statistics, for your edification and education. I provide these free of charge so you don’t have to go through the rigmarole of having to actually watch any cricket.

At the moment, the only person who needs dropping from the ranks of Australian cricket is AMJ Hilditch.

Regards &c.,

The last 12 months have been tough. Especially for certain multinationals who rely on a lot of people getting sick to make a buck. During uncertain economic times, it pays to turn up to work, and all of a sudden the population stays healthier than normal. What to do?

Imagine that you could get some of your boffins to develop a new strain of some common virus. Something highly infectious, but not too virulent (it would be immoral to kill too many people). You could introduce it to some out-of-the-way location (say, Mexico) so that you wouldn’t be traced. Then, because it’s not actually a very dangerous virus, you whip up a little media frenzy by contacting a friend (say, R. Murdoch* Rupert M.) who also wants to make a bit more money.

Because it’s a slow news month, the hype surrounding your new virus spreads around the world quicker that the actual ‘flu. Governments start panicking, installing heat sensors at airports, and gearing up for pandemic mode.

Luckily, you have already developed a drug that will prevent and treat your new virus. Gullible health ministers start to order millions of doses of your cure.

Step 3: profit.

Sounds far fetched? Think I should be breaking out the tinfoil hat? Or do you recall a history of dodgy practises in this industry?

I’ll be reserving my judgement on this one for now.

* Name changed to protect confidentiality

111 days and 176 games remain until we will know the last of the 32 teams who will be playing in South Africa next year. 16 days after the 4th place CONCACAF team plays the 5th place CONMEBOL team, we will know exactly who Australia will be up against next June.

Let’s look at the best case scenario first:

The seeded teams should be: South Africa; Italy; Brazil; Germany; Spain; England; Argentina; France. No prizes for guessing who we’d like out of this group.

The Europe pot will depend largely on the draw for the second-place playoffs, but Slovakia look good to top group three, so I think we’ll assume they’ll be there.

We can assume that we’ll be in a group with CONCACAF, so we don’t have to worry about those guys. The last group will be CAF/CONMEBOL plus an odd CONCACAF side if CONCACAF wins a 4th place. Algeria is topping their group in CAF, so let’s draw them too.

So our best case scenario: Australia (#16), Slovakia (#42) and Algeria (#47), South Africa (world #72).

Worst case scenario: I guess you could take your pick from the seeded teams, but let’s just assume that playing the world number one is not a good thing and pick Brazil.

Netherlands will end up unseeded due to the intricacies of FIFA’s matrix. They’ll be the hardest team in the UEFA pot.

For the final pot, you can either assume that the USA will get put in there, or (more likely) that it will be a 5th place CONMEBOL team which would make Côte d’Ivoire the highest ranked. Since this is worst-case scenario, let’s go with USA.

So, our worse-case scenario group: Brazil (#1), Netherlands (#3), USA (#12), Australia (#16).

As you can clearly see, it’s all in the draw!